Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The Bad News

My husband and I are separated.

And now I’m not sure what else to say. I’ve rewritten this post repeatedly,and even held onto it for nearly a month, timing it with Blogher so that it wouldn’t be broadcast over that network, and now this is all I can manage. I’m sure everyone can appreciate that this is extremely difficult for everyone, especially my kids, as we all stagger through this experience, trying to grasp something hopeful and secure to steady us.

I’ve wondered whether or not it was even necessary to share this with the blogosphere. It’s strange announcing something so private and painful in such a public forum. But I decided to do it for a number of reasons. One, I’m selfish. In blogging I’ve discovered the most amazing support group full of compassionate, wise and genuine women. And I thank you all for that. Two, I can’t not write about this experience; I’m a writer (who uses double negatives, okay?) and this is an extremely therapeutic medium for me. Three, it’s important that my blog be authentic and truly chronicle my experience with motherhood, and currently this separation consumes our approach to parenting; I can no longer look at Kaleb’s defiance and Zack’s delayed potty training without saddling them next to this separation to see how they might connect. And four, I can only hope that in writing about these things there might be someone out there who can relate, even remotely.

Finally, I just want to pledge here that I will never bash The Hub, even if he might someday become The Ex Hub. I trust that readers recognize this decision didn’t come lightly, and that there is a complicated history that’s led to this separation. But I will never share that history here. While I may blather on and on about womanhood, motherhood, writing, and relationships, I won’t go there. For lots of reasons but especially because The Hub is the father of my children, and consequently a person who will always be in my life, a person I still love and vow to respect, regardless of what has or may happen.

I’m spent. There’s so much more I could say about how this separation is a constant ache that saturates every moment, even in sleep. But that’s another post for another day. And I’m hoping that there will be something amusing, maybe about vomit or poo, I can write about before then.

28 comments:

Candygirlflies said...

Oh, honey... I'm sorry.

No other words than that.

Love love love to you and yours from me and mine.

xo CGF

(((hug)))

Eileen said...

I am very sorry to hear about your separation. I know that is not an easy decision to reach, and a hard place to be emotionally. I want to thank you for your courage to post it here. You are so right, so many of us (me included) are struggling with the very same issues and looking at having to make similar choices. It is not easy to talk about or blog. However, like you, I wanted my blog to be authentic, about my real issues too, not just the positive ones. There are so many wise and wonderful women in this land of Bloggerville who I think can offer support and words of wisdom.
I also admire you taking the high road and not going into the personal details. That is between the two of you, and you are so right about him being the father of your children. I know exactly what you mean.
Sending you my support and lots of positive energy, knowing you will get through this. I am hear if you ever want to "talk."
XOXO

zellmer said...

I've been through a divorce so I can relate somewhat to what you are feeling. I had such anxiety going through mine that I had panic attacks and eventually had to take Zoloft to cope. Not to make you feel worse, I'm just saying that what you are dealing with is one of the toughest things we ever have to handle emotionally, so don't be afraid to ask for help in any way you need it. Whatever happens with your relationship and your family, there will be a happy ending that is impossible to see now, but it will be there. All great risks are followed by a higher state of happiness. I truly believe that. Hopefully you can, too.

Becky said...

Oh Shauna,

I am so very sorry to hear this news. My heart aches for you and your family.

I have such respect for you in the way that you have chosen to share this. It really says a lot about your character.

Thinking of you...dear blogging buddy...hang in there ;)

my minivan is faster than yours said...

I don't have any precious words of wisdom, but I certainly have tears in my eyes because you're one of the people I've "met" through blogging I wish were one of my real life neighbors.

Good for you for taking the high road. Another reason I knew I was right- you're awesome!

I really hope you get some sleep. And if you need something like Ambien to help you get it, there's no shame in that.

Thinking of you :)

Kristi O said...

I wish you lived here, I would have you and the kids into the store for some comfort and R&R. There are toys for the kids and diet coke for the mommy. The kids can get lost in a puzzle and you can breathe for a few. I would love offer you some comfort, or a place to escape. I am respect your decision to not speak ill on your blog of the hub. I will pray, listen and be here for you. Marriage is not easy, we don't live in your shoes but I care and will be there either in person if you come to the Big Lew or on the blog, my blog or even in email. Hang in there pal. I am glad you shared. I shared something last week on my blog that was really hard and it helped. Hang in there dearie.

JaniceNW said...

Oh Shauna~I am sorry. I'm sure this has all been quite traumatic for you. HUGS. I love your mature attitude and if he does become ex-hub he won't have anything in writing his lawyer could use. My husband and I have always said we don't understand how people put their kids in the middle. Because let's face it, they're both your children and they're terrific. If you ever need an ear or anything......my email is on my blog and my phone number is just an email away.


Take care of yourself!!!

Feener said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.
I also admire your treatment for your husband, a true classy woman you are.

Karen (Pediascribe) said...

(hugs) I totally respect you for your vow to not bash the hubby. Without going into details, your children will be well served by this decision.

Annie said...

I'm so sorry.

suburbancorrespondent said...

As a person who has 6 kids, I can tell you - don't bother trying to blame any kid problems on what's going on. One, odds are they aren't related. I can't tell you how many times we've blamed a second-youngest's behavior on the new baby's coming; and then years later another sibling will act the same way (with no new baby excuse). I didn't write that very clearly - you can e-mail me if you want me to try again. Two, even if the separation is causing the behavior, it doesn't excuse it - you still have to deal with it. The kids will feel angry and confused, but there's nothing you can do about that but still expect the same from them as you always have. That makes them feel more secure, actually.

I know you must hate waking up each morning and finding yourself on this side of the Before/After divide - it will take a while to get used to it. And I do know a lot of couples who have separated and gotten back together.

I hate most marriage books. Most of them are really "How to make my spouse do what I want him to do" manuals. And that's the wrong approach. The one book I credit with saving my relationship with my husband (he never would have left me, we just would have had a lousy relationship all our lives) is "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle (not sure of author's last name). It is a poorly titled book - it sounds like you should become a doormat, but it isn't that at all. I cannot say enough about it. Buy it. It may not apply to you at all, but she had me and my attitude toward my husband and my feelings about marriage nailed. Now the things she said seem obvious to me, but back then I was clueless. Things weren't all my fault, obviously; but it showed me what things I could control and what I couldn't.

Good luck!

Erin said...

OH Shauna-we love you. I really never expected you to bash "the hub" here because in all the time I've known you, you never have...even when things were bad for so long. I also want to apologize for your brother (because, after all, he was your brother before he was my husband) and all of the totally inappropriate things he said (and will probably continue to say) when you were here. Just know that we (all) are here for you (we can just tape Jason's mouth shut) and are hoping for the best for you.

Erin said...

OH yeah, and as we have vomit here right now, I am hoping for poo for you :)

Anonymous said...

Shauna, our hearts and prayers go out to you, to your Hub, and to your children. May the path that will bring happiness and peace for you all appear before you and may you all have the courage to walk it with grace and dignity. I agree with your friends who have commented here, you are a truly classy lady and your children will benefit from the "no bash" approach. We love you! If you ever need a weekend away, you are all welcome here - we have a new mattress in Sarah's room, so sleeping on her bed won't be torture, and the kids can camp out on Kaela's bunk or in the living room. Take care. We miss you.
Mary

Jennifer aka Binky Bitch said...

Oh Shauna, I'm so sorry.

I know for me, sharing my most private thoughts/feelings with complete strangers in the blogosphere has helped me tremendously. I hope this will help you, too.

Hugs to you.

Mama Zen said...

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

LikeAstaR said...

Shauna,
It is funny how quickly your blogging buddies seem to become boosom buddies. When I read on your blog a little while back that you had been going through some things that you would be blogging about in the future.. I didn't think it would be this. I admire your tact and respect for your husband. I admire your openness, and I hope you know how much I look up to your strength and motherliness. Wishes and blessings to you and yours.

Bananas said...

I really feel for you. I can't imagine what you're going through. Hang in there and do what you need to do to get through.

Rachel said...

I know we all in blogville don't really know each other---with the exception of telling each other all of our deepest thoughts and emotions---but nevertheless I wish we could all gather around you and be there for you with the big things and the little things that will come. Take you out for a piece of pie when you are feeling low and babysit for you when you are feeling pooped out (no pun intended). Well, we may not be able to do that---but know that you have all of our support, in our own special bloggy way. You have truly entered our hearts!

pinks & blues girls said...

I am so very sorry. You are so wise and fair. I know you will handle it this dignity.

I was very close to separating from my husband this summer. This is something I haven't even revealed to some of my close friends. But I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you're going through, and am thinking about you. I am sure this is an incredibly difficult time. I am thinking of you.

Jane, P&B Girls

Mrs. Smith said...

I feel pretty sure that you are going to come out the other side of this and be just fine. Not unscathed, but stronger to be sure. The fact that you still have your sense of humor, as shown in your last line, says a lot.

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOSH!! YOU BLOGIN' GALS HAVE SUCH GREAT SUPPORT FOR EACH OTHER!! I HAVE WORRIED SO MUCH ABOUT MY DAUGHTER (AND NOT BEING CLOSE BY TO HELP HER IN HER TIME OF NEED HAS INCREASED MY CONCERN.) YOU ARE SO TOTALLY AWESOME. IT WOULD OF BEEN NICE TO HAVE THAT KIND OF SUPPORT WHEN I WENT THOUGH MY DIVORCE. LIFE CAN HAVE SOME MIGHTY HARD BUMPS BUT WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS YOU CAN GET ON THAT SMOOTH ROAD AGAIN. AND SHAUNA YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN, MORE THAN YOU KNOW. WITH ALL MY LOVE MOM

Anonymous said...

Mom,

This is from Kaleb. I sent this because I miss you. Ummm. I ......ummm.....O.k. I love I wish you have good day tomorrow. I miss you so much, ummmm. Because I love you. Ummmm. Tell Zack and Leah I love them.I hope they will make good choices tomorrow.
Love,
Kaleb
Day 1 - Idaho Falls to Roy. Spend the night with Dad and Uncle Bills at Cousin Davids house. Tomorrow Roy to Los Angles.

Gustogirl said...

Shauna,
I am sorry that you are going through this hard time. Like others, I respect you for looking out for your kids and not bashing your hub, because that would just serve to hurt them. Especially since I am sure you have some choice words you could use. I will be thinking of you and praying for you.

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

Oh, Shauna. I'm so sorry to hear this. I wish I had words to make it better.

I think it's wonderful that you will not bash Hubs on the blog. With that perspective, I know you will be okay. In time.

Be sure you take care of yourself, too.

E-mail me anytime if you need a friend.

shauna said...

You're all fabulous! Thanks so much for your kind words of support. Wish you were all my neighbors, ladies!

Anonymous said...

I wanted to say dido to all previous comments. I love you shauna and I know you will be happy again...it is your nature. I can't remember and time in my life when I haven't looked up to you and nothing has changed about that. I am forever grateful that I have you as my big sister. Lots of love, jen
And don't forget to call if you ever need anything...I will do all I can to help out.

Liza's Eyeview said...

Separation is never easy .. not for anyone... I don't have any wise words to share .. but I just to let you know I am here .. one of those "cyber friend" that will be here to listen to you ... (((((HUGS))))