Saturday, February 14, 2009

A Temporary Twilight Sucker

Okay, I’ll admit it. I saw Twilight. Two times. But the second time doesn’t count because it was at the cheap theater on a girls’ night out and I was totally outnumbered.

And yes, I’ve read all the books, and I’ve propagated the Twilight madness by loaning them out to countless friends and family. I understand that such a confession may cause my readers (yes, all three of you) to lose some respect for me, because if anything, I’m sure this blog inspires oodles of respect for the eczema-stricken, dirty-van driving, Twilight-reading soccer mom.

So last weekend me and five other women went to the downtown showing of Twilight and watched the movie yet again. And no it hadn’t changed since the first time I saw it. It’s still the same old vortex of vampires, teen angst, and pubescent romance with a slamin’ baseball scene. And yes, there are still those awkward moments where the film editor must have fallen asleep at his key grip, leaving viewers with long, odd shots of pained facial expressions. No matter; it was a good excuse to eat movie popcorn.

The first time I watched Twilight was days after its initial release (yes, I paid full price the first time I saw it. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.). We went one hour early to secure a good seat. I went with my sister, my BFF and her husband (yes Jason, I’m calling you out), and for 60 minutes we watched the theater fill with teenage girls, giggling with anticipation while texting anyone who wasn’t there to share the moment with them. And there we were smack dab in the middle of the theater, feeling just a titch out of place.

The second time I watched Twilight the theater was full of women roughly my age, a few accompanied by their significant others who were either under the false impression that this vampire movie included much more blood sucking than it did or they were involved in some high-stakes barter that included considerable payback later. Either way, I felt much more comfortable the second time I saw it, if for no other reason I was surrounded by other Twilight suckers like myself.

And for the record, I must also admit that I don’t believe the Twilight series need be admitted into the canon of great American literature (yes, Stephen King, I side with you there), but there’s something about telling a good story that can captivate young and middle-aged alike. That and using some British kid with unbelievably long and messy hair to play Edward who, according to my BFF (yes Ashley, I’m calling you out) is “yummy."

And for my last confession I will admit that I just might watch Twilight a third time. Tonight while the world is celebrating their love, you may find me in the cheap theater yet again sucked into that vortex of vampires, teen angst, and pubescent romance accompanied by nothing but my family-size bucket of popcorn. You’re welcome to join me…

Friday, February 06, 2009

Soccer Hell

I went to soccer hell tonight and lived to tell about it. And by soccer hell I mean AYSO registration at the local elementary school (and you think the lines at Disneyland are long).

If you follow any of my advice, let it be this: do not bring three children with you to soccer registration. We arrived 10 minutes early and were at the end of a line that started at one end of the cafeteria and weaved out into the hallway. By the time we left that line snaked from one end of the cafeteria all the way down the hallway, past the auditorium, out the side door and down the sidewalk. I looked solemnly at the people at the end of the line and offered my sincerest apologies; they were not appreciated.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Way ahead.

We arrived at 6:20 to a stack of forms. I diligently sat down at a table and began to write; my children proceeded to run around like wild banshees, and I proceeded to pretend like they belonged to someone else. It wasn’t until we had been there for nearly an hour that things took a turn for the worst.

We had finally made it back through the threshold of the cafeteria when Sis and Spunk began to fight over the drinking fountain. And by “fight,” I mean brawl, and by “brawl” I mean that Sis began to whoop on her brother like she was making a guest appearance on the WWE. I made the mistake of deciding to wait out the brawl. They couldn’t kill each other, right? Right. But Sis could put her brother in a chokehold that might impair his long-term vision.

My question to you is this: do you leave your place in the three-mile long soccer line to ensure your youngest offspring, who just told you this morning that he would rather live with you forever than grow up and go to college, doesn’t lose his vision to his sister in a drinking fountain brawl? No way! You stand there and yell your daughter’s name across the cafeteria, attracting all sorts of negative attention while your daughter, lost in her own victory, ignores you.

Finally, Spunk escaped, and Sis, from across the cafeteria, felt the dreaded burn of my mommy laser gaze and sheepishly came to stand beside me. “What, Mom?” As if she didn’t know. “You will stand by me until we’re finished,” I commanded.

What followed was the longest temper tantrum in soccer hell history (look for us in Guinness next year). For 15 minutes my daughter wailed at my side, begging me to give her one more chance not to kill her brother over the drinking fountain. There was also periodic jumping, stomping, and pouting. Did I mention that the soccer line had outlasted their bedtime?

When all was said and done, I had stood in line for one hour and paid over one hundred dollars to ensure that my three children were enrolled in spring soccer, meaning that every Saturday for three months I will be watching approximately 210 minutes worth of soccer games. That’s a total of 2,520 minutes of AYSO fun (who said I wasn’t good at math).

And you thought soccer moms were chauffeurs dressed in trendy Gap clothing. No, no, my friends. Soccer moms are the bastions of patience, perseverance, and a piercing laser gaze.

So when do I get MY trophy? (By the way, if I have to stand in line for it, no thanks.)