I did the math.
I’ve lived with Spiderman longer than I have any other man in my adult life. And after nine years with the webbed superhero, I’ve come to realize he will not be evicted from our home anytime soon. He’s like the lazy, grown son I’ve never had, lounging around the basement in his spandex, watching episodes of himself on Netflix, and leaving his dirty dishes on the futon.
Kaleb fell for Spiderman at two and a half years old. By the time he was four, I had to buy him two Spiderman costumes because he wore out the first one those four weeks before Halloween. And like Elmo and pocket rocks, whatever Kaleb likes, Zack follows with even more exuberance.
In the past decade, I have decorated five Spiderman birthday cakes, purchased at least 6 Spiderman costumes, tripped over roughly 352 Spiderman comics and contributed to Marvel’s profit margin by purchasing a kazillion Spiderman action figures and/or playsets.
And you’d think all this experience would make me the most knowledgeable comic mom on the planet. I thought so. I mean, I knew that at one time Spiderman was a member of both the Fantastic Four and the Avengers. I also knew that Stan Lee was the creator of Spiderman some 50-odd years ago, and I could pick the old man out in a lineup.
All that comic cred disintegrated the day I donned a batman t-shirt. Thinking I’d impress the Spidey Sense out of Zack, I thrust out my chest and said, “Cool, right?” Zack shook his head and muttered, “Batman is a DC comic, mom. And Marvel is way cooler than DC.”
What was I thinking?
Luckily, I met and married a grown man who enjoys grownup things like sushi, stringed instruments and ABC’s Parks and Rec.
Ah, who am I kidding? Mr. Charming has lived with Spiderman (and an assortment of other Marvel superheroes) for longer than I have. In fact, Zack led the marriage campaign once he discovered Mike’s comic book collection, complete with boxes and boxes of Spiderman comics, most of which are currently shoved beneath his bed.
And, believe it or not, our call name for restaurants is Marvel. “Like the comic book?” the Cheesecake Factory hostess asked the last time we went out. “Oh,” Mike said, innocently, as if the connection for the first time. “Sure. I guess so.”
So back to the math. My calculations show that with a total of 57 Spiderman years among us, we are 85.7% nerdy. And 100% super (Okay. So that was a little cheesy.).
And so you know, two ideas rule supreme in the Holyoak household:
- With great power comes great responsibility.
- Wash your own spandex.