Thursday, November 04, 2010

Sugarfree with a Side of Grumpy

A small percentage of their Halloween spoils...
I decided to go sugar-free just 5 days before Halloween.  And because I wanted to make it extra difficult, I swore off aspartame and Splenda too (except for what’s in my Diet Coke—baby steps, people!).

I know what you’re thinking.  
  • Who does that?  
  • Are you crazy?
  • Whhhhyyyyyyyyy?
  • Won’t you miss dunking sugar cookies into cream cheese frosting?
(That last one was mine. And the answer is “yes.”)

My body is aging, quickly.  Like a huge, mossless stone rolling down the old hill, I’m quickly reaching the end at which my body cries “Uncle!” and then curses me for signing the Do Not Resuscitate order.  Am I being melodramatic?  Of course!  (It’s the lack of sugar talking.)

Okay, so I’m only 40, and my mother has young genes so I expect to have inherited them.  But that can’t reverse the fact that spending 40 years on this planet eating sugar with abandon, drinking liters upon liters of Diet Coke, and licking butter from the bags of microwavable popcorn has had an impact on my body.  

Allow me to demonstrate:
  • I can no longer drape my leg behind my head
  • I cannot catch my children if they run away from me.
  • In the time it takes me to hoist my body to a standing position after sitting cross-legged on the floor, my kids have fled to Canada.  
  • I can no longer sit cross-legged on the floor without losing all feeling in my toes and also my forearms.
  • I cannot carry my sleeping 9-year old from the living room to his bedroom without pulling something important in my nether regions.
  • I’m not exactly sure what my nether regions are.
So in efforts to reset my body back to 20-year old functionality, I’m trying to consume only that which is natural.  Right now I’m eliminating sugar.  It is not going well.

This past Sunday was Halloween, and after 5 whole days using honey as my only sweetener, I consumed one bag of sugar popcorn and three, okay four, frosted sugar cookies.  But I was safety testing for the children, and it couldn’t be helped. 

I’m now back on track and grumpy as hell.  But I’m getting healthier by the day, dagnabit!  

And younger too, right?  

(Don’t answer that or I might have to chase you down and force you to eat raw vegetables.  But I’d have to catch you first, and we all know I’m not that healthy yet.)


Crazed Nitwit said...

Hey girl long time no see. Thanks for posting your new blog addy. Much love to you!!

Ashley said...

You inspire me to try no sugar myself...really.

Elisa said...

I too have felt the effects of being 40 years old, consuming mass quantities of diet Coke, and eating too much cheese. Where has my body gone? And who's is this? So glad to have discovered your blog! --Elisa