Friday, August 15, 2008

Celibate in the City

When I first started dating, MTV really played music videos and Aqua Net was the most sophisticated hair product on the market. A lot has changed since then.

To find out if a guy was interested you either passed him a note or sent a girlfriend to ask if he was dating anyone. These days it takes about as much effort to find out if a guy is single as it does to file your taxes. I’ve decided that the late 30-something single male is about as rare as a three-headed unicorn. Where are you guys hiding out?

I decided to take the search online and became more interested in usernames than I did profiles. Did I really want to approach 2hot4u? lazyman, lonesomeloser, and stillluvmyex apparently hadn’t read the instructions on projecting a positive image. And kilzoranges, stalkingcupid and itchyscalp distracted me from my original purpose all together.

I hear that women my age must be more aggressive in order to “attract” a man. It’s a competitive market, and ladies, we outnumber the men about ten to one. Unfortunately for me, I become a little dumbfounded in the presence of an eligible bachelor. Remember how I exposed my forearms to show the beautiful pediatrician, Dr. LoveMonkey, my eczema? I’d make a great reality show but not a very good first date.

And speaking of dates, in the six months since my divorce I’ve been on one. He asked me if I played tennis or badminton or basketball—I’ve since forgotten the details. I answered, “Do women my age play organized sports?” Yeah. He didn’t ask me out again.

So I’ve taken to looking at men from afar. And in my “studies” I have seen the Idaho Falls Fire Department and am here to say they represent. I’m just saying.

Early this summer I became transfixed when a truck of firefighters came to our alley, examining a stray branch that had fallen on a power line. My family, visiting for the weekend, were startled when I rushed into the kitchen. “Can someone help me start a quick house fire? Really. I’m not kidding.”

A little desperation can turn a level-headed, single woman into a serial arsonist.

Not that I’m desperate. (Technically my username is desperateinIF.) Because I’m not.

I am an attractive SWF looking for a freakishly SM for possible LTR. Must love kids, employment, and WWE (women with eczema).

12 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I can't even imagine dealing with this situation. But I think I'd stick to the singles groups in your church, to play it safe.

Although my brother is 49 and unattached...

Spammon said...

I really wish you would have gone out with itchyscalp just so you could bring him some Selsan Blue as a 'how do you do' present.

We'll make sure to watch the news and if we see a chain of fires happening in Idaho, we'll know that it's just desperateinIF at it again.

Thelissa said...

You don't need to start a fire! Way too expensive! You're going about the fire department all wrong. Once they come to check out the tree branch, you are supposed to suddenly feel faint and fall to the ground, (carefully mind you). I mean those guys are trained in CPR and other life saving techniques. It doesn't even need to go that far though. They will come running to "check you out", just as they get down close, open your eyes and there you have it. You are face to face, he's checking your vitals, and the rest is history. :) See, no fires necessary.

Kristi O said...

oh i can't imagine. I think I will pray that one of your kids teachers is single and cute.. heck anything can happen ,right?

that girl (shelly) said...

He's out there!

shawn said...

Hmmm ... how far are you from here??

I can SO relate to your posting ... I keep having my ATTACHED friends say - "just wait, it will happen when it is time ..."

Easy for them to say ...

Hang in there Shauna - the journey you're on is shared by others, both male AND female ... and it will work out when it is meant to ...

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Must love women who make me LMAO, too!

Eileen said...

You are so funny. You will find the right person when the time is right and when you least expect it. Now how cliche is that, but I happen to know that it is very true.

XXXXX

Melodrama Mama said...

I propose you take your kids on a field trip to the firehouse to further investigate said firemen.

You could see their hoses.

Tola said...

take suburbancorrespondent up on her offer to meet her brother. at 49 he's younger than the VIP!

zellmer said...

Have you "shopped" on nerve.com. It's where you'll find the creative types, if that's what you're into. They're interesting at least. I had some fun on it while I was between marriages. Just sayin'.

kristi said...

I have a question. What do you use for your eczema, my son has it and I have tried a LOT of things. What works for you?? E-mail me please!!