The truth is I have no shame. I share far too much about myself and my life on this blog. Often that means I feel the need to reblog and clarify something that may have been misstated in a previous post. I don’t know why I do that. Probably because my perspective needs a little reframing and blogging about it helps me to process my thoughts better. You know, cheaper than therapy.
My last post freaked me out a bit. Maybe because I posted about dating out loud. Your comments, one phone call and my own musings had me emotionally hyperventilating in a corner. So, for the record, I haven’t started dating yet. I have no plans to date anytime soon. I’m still trying to reorient myself following the divorce and a very long winter—so long in fact, those two things have become inseparable in my mind. (Which is why I shake my fists at the heavens each time it snows. And yes, it did snow yesterday.)
I feel like I’ve come out of a coma. It’s odd to consider dating a possibility. And my 20-year old mentality of men doesn’t comply with my current lifestyle. I was one of those women who, despite all my feminist mutterings, would swoon once and ask questions later. I probably spent a good deal of time worrying more about what some guy thought of me than I did worrying about what I thought of me. I have children now. There’s no room for that in my life.
And so when my friend, in that surreal conversation, mentioned she wanted to set me up, it caught me off-guard, and I’ve been shaking in my boots ever since. (And if you didn’t catch it in the comments, that man’s wife is now his ex and she is no longer in critical condition. The unfunny part of that post was that any aspect of divorce and family trauma, including a serious car accident, causes anguish. It was the unexpected nature of my friend’s suggestion, including the surreality of it, that unhinged me and later made me laugh when sharing the story with my sisters. Like you might at a funeral where it’s totally irreverent and unacceptable, and all the more difficult to stop.)
So I’m just going to be for awhile. The sun’s coming out more and more these days, and I’m excited about that. For once I’m going to enjoy the here and now. School will be out in 6 weeks and we’ll have a fresh start at summer, different and apart from the hell that was last summer. There will be swimming lessons, baseball games, fresh-cut grass, long walks, and the smell of barbeques. For now that’s enough to look forward to.
So while the men may line up (stop laughing!), dating will not be on the agenda until I can think about it without feeling dizzy and a little nauseated.
And for your viewing pleasure, I thought I'd share with you the new theme song for my life....