Wednesday, April 16, 2008

For the record…

The truth is I have no shame. I share far too much about myself and my life on this blog. Often that means I feel the need to reblog and clarify something that may have been misstated in a previous post. I don’t know why I do that. Probably because my perspective needs a little reframing and blogging about it helps me to process my thoughts better. You know, cheaper than therapy.

My last post freaked me out a bit. Maybe because I posted about dating out loud. Your comments, one phone call and my own musings had me emotionally hyperventilating in a corner. So, for the record, I haven’t started dating yet. I have no plans to date anytime soon. I’m still trying to reorient myself following the divorce and a very long winter—so long in fact, those two things have become inseparable in my mind. (Which is why I shake my fists at the heavens each time it snows. And yes, it did snow yesterday.)

I feel like I’ve come out of a coma. It’s odd to consider dating a possibility. And my 20-year old mentality of men doesn’t comply with my current lifestyle. I was one of those women who, despite all my feminist mutterings, would swoon once and ask questions later. I probably spent a good deal of time worrying more about what some guy thought of me than I did worrying about what I thought of me. I have children now. There’s no room for that in my life.

And so when my friend, in that surreal conversation, mentioned she wanted to set me up, it caught me off-guard, and I’ve been shaking in my boots ever since. (And if you didn’t catch it in the comments, that man’s wife is now his ex and she is no longer in critical condition. The unfunny part of that post was that any aspect of divorce and family trauma, including a serious car accident, causes anguish. It was the unexpected nature of my friend’s suggestion, including the surreality of it, that unhinged me and later made me laugh when sharing the story with my sisters. Like you might at a funeral where it’s totally irreverent and unacceptable, and all the more difficult to stop.)

So I’m just going to be for awhile. The sun’s coming out more and more these days, and I’m excited about that. For once I’m going to enjoy the here and now. School will be out in 6 weeks and we’ll have a fresh start at summer, different and apart from the hell that was last summer. There will be swimming lessons, baseball games, fresh-cut grass, long walks, and the smell of barbeques. For now that’s enough to look forward to.

So while the men may line up (stop laughing!), dating will not be on the agenda until I can think about it without feeling dizzy and a little nauseated.

And for your viewing pleasure, I thought I'd share with you the new theme song for my life....

15 comments:

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

I can't even imagine dating! It seems sort of...I don't know... out of context at our stage of life.

Janice said...

You have such a way with words-

I can't imagine dating again either, what a strange feeling that must be for you. I hope you don't wait to long, cause from where I am sitting, you seem like a great catch.

Candygirlflies said...

The thought of ever having to be "out there" again leaves me shaking in my boots, too, Shauna. I don't blame you one bit. The trauma of ending a relationship must be very, very hard to overcome... and I'm certain that "getting back in the game" isn't necessarily the right way to cope-- especially when there are three other little people involved.

I believe that in order to be successful in a relationship, you need to feel that you are successful on your own, first. You're taking plenty of steps in that direction, as we've heard from your previous posts!!

Keep it up, girlfriend. You're doing GREAT.

xoxo CGF

ps. And those men beating down your door??? Will just have to WAIT. They'll wait. You're worth it.

Spammon said...

Well hey, at least you have a line eh? Especially one with comatose soon-to-be divorced wives!

shauna said...

SC, "out of context." That describes my life to a T!

Janice, aw. You're sweet.

CGF, you hit it spot on.

Spammon, Exactly! It's alway snice to have a back-up plan.

Gustogirl said...

Love the song and I think you are wise to focus on yourself and your kids for now. Hope that snow melts quickly and the suns come out!!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely love the song. It fits!
Don't worry. You will know when you are ready to date again. Until then, love yourself, play with your kids and enjoy life! You deserve it!

Lauren said...

I thought for sure that song had to be 20 years old. I was shocked to realize it was released last year. I have a weird reaction to British pop. I hate it immediately, and then I love it. Like the first time I heard "Suddenly I See." "Shine" is almost over and I love it already... especially knowing it's your theme song!

shawn said...

YOU can have it all ... just look after Shauna, make her a PRIORITY, and everything else will fall into place from there ...

... I've learned that lesson the hard way over the last couple of years as my life spun downward and my marriage failed ... trust in YOURSELF Shauna ... don't rush ANYTHING (especilly dating) and everything will fall into place as it is meant to ...

take care of YOURSELF ... YOU REALLY ARE WORTH IT - if you doubt it just say it over and over and over until you not only believe it, but you LIVE it ...

Rachel said...

The song didn't work for me. Don't know if anyone else had that problem.

Melodrama Mama said...

I think that just 'be-ing' for a while sounds fantastic. Dating stunk the first time around - I can only imagine that the second time would be slightly terrifying. Excellent theme song.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

LOVE your theme song!!!! PERFECT!

Chris said...

You CAN have it all! Love the song, take your time and take care of you. We should all do that a little more.

Kapuananiokalaniakea said...

Dating after marriage, children and divorce IS weird. No longer footloose and fancy free, there are serious responsibilities and baggage o'plenty. Take your time and enjoy your new independence.

Anonymous said...

shauna I love your theme song!! I think it is perfect! love ya denise