Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Roof Update, #1

Last week’s epiphany coincided with the pity party I was having over (well, really “under”) my roof. Yes, I was in the middle of a divorce. Yes, my pipes had just burst the previous weekend. Yes, I was a little strapped for cash and just barely making ends meet. And yes, the roof fiasco was poorly timed. How much can I take, really? That’s what I kept asking myself. I was practically shaking my fist heavenward.

But then God shrugged. Get over yourself, Shauna. It’s a little leak; you can handle it. No, I don’t think God is mean enough to tell me to get over it. But I did feel a gentle nudge that came with a mild message: You’re tough. I know because I made you that way. And that was it. Pity party cancelled.

So I climbed to my rooftop and chiseled away at the ice dam. It’s now gone and the stain on my bathroom ceiling has stopped spreading. But my exaggerated response has taught me something about myself (Hallelujah! Does that mean I can stop getting this same lesson over and over again?).

I am no Chicken Little. Maybe the sky will fall someday, but I will not preoccupy myself with whether or not it’s tilting.

While I won’t share the details of my marriage and how it ended, I will say that I decided to be miserable. I felt completely justified in that choice and in so doing surrendered my power. Sometimes it’s easier to be the victim, but when I took on that role I also became an observer rather than an active participant in my own life. I watched my marriage tilt precariously, contributing to its demise.

It may sound odd, but filing for divorce was my attempt to right that balance. I was taking the helm of my life again, deciding what it would look like rather than begging for a new and improved landscape. There’s power in that. And choice and accountability.

So I’m forging forward having decided that there are worse things than a leaky roof or a humble checking account. Life will sort itself out. And while it does, I will be here, smack dab in the middle of it.

13 comments:

Eileen said...

Shawna,
It is Ok to have "pity parties," it can be healthy and I think you have had more than your fair share of stresses. What is important it, and you clearly get it, is that you don't get stuck there, and you move forward. Life, as you know is like that, married or not, takes us on that ride of ups and downs, and we have to be honest with how we are really feeling. For too long, I just smiled and pretended I was fine, when I wasn't. I admire you for being honest with yourself (and of course your blogger friends). I had no doubt you would move forward.

Remember, if it ever gets too overwhelming, you have your family and so many friends who care, that is a given BUT it is OK to ask for help from a professional. Depression and anxiety are real medical conditions.

Love you!

Linds said...

You are a strong woman. Next time I throw a pity party, I hope I can snap out of it with as much glory as you just did!

You're my hero!

shauna said...

Eileen, so true! And I don't feel bad for turning inward for awhile because I believe that was part of the healing process. Feeling sad and down--it was necessary. But the roof was my breaking point--when everything shifted and I realized it was time to move forward.

I also agree that it's important to note what your feeling and whether or not your situation, your emotional state or physical condition warrant medication, because I believe there are times when that is completely necessary. And luckily I have been surrounded by countless people (bloggy world--that means you) who have been completely encouraging and supportive.

Thanksfully the sun has come up, at least briefly. Figuratively and for reals...

Life As I Know It said...

What a great attitude you have!

I am very good at throwing myself pity parties, and I really need to learn how to stop !

Karen said...

Wow. All that in an ice dam. Some would say god's in the details.

MELODRAMA MAMA said...

Fantastic insights Shauna. Now I know I can hop over here for a laugh as well as a good dose of self introspection. Thanks for sharing!

Spammon said...

Seeing that you aren't afraid of heights and were able to chisel your ice damn, would you mind coming and taking down my Christmas lights? The snow finally melted off my roof.

shauna said...

Spammon, thanks for the light-hearted comment. The back side of my roof is about eight feet off the ground--that's the only part I can reach. Back at Christmas time I wouldn't hang lights because I was afraid of dying (no one justs wants lights on the backside of their house). Good luck with that... :)

Linds and Life, I'm not great at all. That pity party was about three years long. It was soooo time to be over. :)

Candygirlflies said...

And I'll be right here "beside" you, friend, cheering you on, every step of the way.

I'm so proud of you.

xo CGF

JaniceNW said...

Now missy I am the pity party queen. They're cool as long as they are short. I think on occasion we need to dwell and ponder the negative things so then we can focus on the positive.

I am here if you ever need to vent. I am non judgmental and I won't give you advice.

I'm impressed you got up on the room. Yay Shawna!!!

Gustogirl said...

You have a good attitude. I think we need to learn from our circumstances to call it endurance. You have had a tough year and you are smart to see what you might do differently. I need to work on that for sure. Thanks for the example!

Tari said...

Thanks for being so strong you inspire me

Chris said...

Great insights. I am amazed you climbed on the roof, I am afraid of heights and ice on roofs. Good for you. I need to read your post when I am having a pitty party, we all have them, way to pull yourself out.