Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Anatomy of Divorce

My lawyer’s legal assistant called yesterday to tell me the divorce was final as of February 15th. A bittersweet milestone. Nothing to celebrate except perhaps a better chapter in all our lives.

After yesterday’s post I got an email from a concerned reader/friend wanting to know if my ex and I could work things out. I genuinely appreciate her interest in the well-being of my family. She’s someone who recognizes the tremendous impact a divorce can have on children and their parents. And I’d hate to think that anyone might mistakenly believe I have flippantly moved forward on this decision, taking marriage and the well-being of my children lightly.

So this is just a quick post to say none of the following reasons caused me to file for divorce:

· I was “unfulfilled” in my marriage
· We had “grown apart”
· I thought the grass was greener on the other side

Marriage is a beautiful, sacred thing. And at that point I reached the end of my post because I could explain no further. Thankfully, Carrie from Fully Caffeinated wrote a beautiful post on Tuesday that says everything I was unable to say here.

Sheesh. It’s time for me to start writing about vomit and poo again…

27 comments:

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Thank you, Shauna! I'm just catching up with your last few postings. I think the "walk a mile in my shoes" motto applies here. No one can tell us what to do but ourselves, for we are the only ones living our lives. Others may try to be helpful, but the most help comes from those friends that say, "Where do you want me to stand? Put me where you need me and I'll be there for you." Nobody, that I've ever met anyway, jumps into divorce. Research says marriages are typically "over" 7 years before they are over, and by the time the couple starts counseling it's more of how to end things well, than how to mend them.

To ask if one can chip away at the icebergs implies they know something is under the ice. That is quite a leap. Many times there isn't anything under the ice bur more ice, and we've been hoping/praying/working to prove ourselves wrong. No one wants to be right about this. Right sucks.

love.

shauna said...

Thanks, Carrie. Your post was incredibly insightful. My friend recognized how difficult this path would be and was hoping maybe there was a better path--and I'm grateful to her for that. But I wanted readers to know that I respect marriage and was not flippant in my decision to divorce. And I leave it at that.

Thanks again, Carrie!

Janice said...

I can't wait for the vomit and poo... what ever helps you through a rough time.... thanks for being you...

Spammon said...

When the grass get's too green then it gets real long and you have to cut it. Sometimes when dogs poo on the lawn it makes long green patches. Then you have to fertilize and water. And if you don't edge it, it will look like a bad haircut. But then again, it sure beats a backyard of dirt.

Life As I Know It said...

Someone close to me is going through a divorce right now and I am seeing how hard it is on her and her family. Not an easy decision, but the best one for her family.

Good luck to you and here's to a better chapter ahead!

Karen (Pediascribe) said...

(hugs)

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Divorce is like getting a limb amputated without anesthesia.

You're right - writing about vomit and poo has got to be more fun.

Annie said...

I don't think I ever viewed your decisions around this as you've written about them, to be flippant.

Good luck for many happy things ahead!

April said...

I know how hard that is to hear (been there). For me, my divorce was a celebration of sorts - mainly because I did not want to be held financially or legally liable for his downfalls anymore. The grieving came before, during, and still occurs sometimes quite surprisingly. It is hard not to have what we thought we were going to, but I know it'd be much harder to have stayed married.

shawn said...

Shauna ... just remember in that moment when "we are done" there are forces beyond us that aren't ...

We speak easily and almost blithely of "resurrection" ... Carrie identifies the very moment when we throw up our hands and live everything up to God ... in THAT moment the healing can begin ...

You're on a path of true Resurrection ... one step, one breath, one moment at a time ... just keep moving forward (Like the movie Meet The Robinsons) ... trust in God and the rest will just unfold ...

Today has been a good day ... I won't worry about tomorrow until it starts ...

Linds said...

Shauna, here's to a better chapter!
I wish you all the best.

I'm so excited that you finished the Twilight series. The third book was definetly my favorite. I was getting frustrated with the second book, too much suspense, I read non-stop to find out when Edward was going to return. I don't really like Jacob Black either. I'm actually thinking of re-reading them right before the next book comes out.

Tola said...

and then there's the whole "mind your own business" camp. but youre a *much* nicer person than i will ever be, and you would never say that to anybody. (you probably wouldnt have a former sister, either.) love you!

JaniceNW said...

Shauna~I know you are doing what is best for you and your kids. That's all the 411 I need. Love and HUGS!!

Anonymous said...

Nicely put. I love ya, love always your sis, Denise

Anonymous said...

Love to you. If you need a break, come visit. My girls will watch the kids and we can go play until 2 in the morning. (I think. I haven't been up until 2 in the morning in a long time, I might not be able to do that anymore.)

Lots of love,

Mary

MELODRAMA MAMA said...

Well said Shauna - and the post you refrenced was incredibly insightful. Here is to vomit and poo! Write on!

Gustogirl said...

As a child of divorce, that still leaves me ripped open inside(yes, even still), my first instinct when I hear of people divorcing is, don't do it, work it out. However, one person's experience is not another's and we all need to choose the path that is right for us. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Kori said...

If you read Barbara Kingsolver, she did a fabulous essay about how leaving her marriage was akin to choosing whether to keep a gangrenous leg or not; I have been there, and there is no need for explanation. You do it to save a life-yours-and I don't mean physically.

Natalie said...

Hi, I came over from April's blog.

I've found that a lot of people automatically assume I am flippant about my divorce because I'm genuinely happy about it (and the fact that this will be my second one). What they don't realize is that there were a lot of tears and heartache before I got to this point. I put a lot of effort into both of my marriages and it just didn't work.

I am a child of divorce, but I was only five when my parents split. I can remember feeling so thankful for it. I feel bad that my son has a "broken" home, but I know it would be worse if his father and I stayed together.

shauna said...

Thanks, Kori. I'm a huge Barbara Kingsolver fan and will have to read that essay.

Natalie, thanks for your comment as well. It's something no one can understand, really, unless they've been there, faced with what Carrie described as choosing between the pain of divorce and the pain that's casued from a toxic relationship. No one wants to make that choice because either option is yucky. But make it you must--especially when there are children involved.

Cristi said...

Shauna, I check in on you every now and again, kind of like the mom with the teenager. And I must say I think you're doing quite well. You are strong and you are doing it! I like the phrase, "What other people think of me in none of my business!" And that applies quite well here. A marriage is between husband, wife, and God. So is a divorce. Only the three there can really know the ins and outs of what's going on, even if others have "walked the path", so to speak. But no one has walked YOUR path because every path is different - there are no two alike.

Keep moving forward, allowing yourself to heal, love, and be loved. You're doing it!

Erin said...

As one who knows and loves you, I understand that even considering divorce was heart and gut wrenching. You would not be flippant about something so dramatic. I know a lot of tears and prayers went into this decision. You are doing what is right for you and your situation. We are behind you 100%!

PS--can't wait for the vomit and poo :)

pinkmorning said...

your blog is a source of strength to me, i just wanted to let you know...

Tari said...

(hugs)
I'll be waitng for the poop, since I haven't had one today

Rachel said...

I know that this has been an agonizing decision. It is so apparent in your non-poo posts. And yet you have still done it in such a way as to lessen the impact on your precious babies. I have only the utmost respect for you.

zellmer said...

I have been through a divorce and seen what's on the other side, so all I have to say to you is this.

Congratulations!

RachelT said...

I think all of us who "know" you know that this descision has been maticulously deliberated. I hope that the well-meaning emailer did not make you feel bad. It is so easy to watch from the outside and cast judgements based on nothing. All I can say is the sense of love that radiates for your family and children.. and even your mother-in-law only signifies how hard this must all be for you.

May you continue to be blessed with a sense of humor and love.