Saturday, November 10, 2007

Without My Children

I both relish and despise the weekends my ex has the kids. On the one hand it’s exhilarating to have hours to myself—to freelance, to watch movies, to take baths. I can go shopping, without a cart, and meander the store looking at things—me-things. Body wash, jewelry, handbags, magazines. And then it gets late and I start to ache, wondering what my children are doing, if they’re having fun, and how much of their lives I’ve just missed.

Kaleb has another loose tooth—will that go under a pillow at our house or his Dad’s? What profound questions will Leah ask that I won’t be there to answer? And what of Zack and his potty training—will he finally get it when he’s not with me? They are my children, flesh of my flesh, and I’m sharing them like luxury vehicles, piecing out moments of their lives like poker chips. And I wonder how they feel about this, passed between my ex and I without thought or question of what they want, of how they would like to spend their time.

If you asked them they would probably tell you that all they want is for their parents to move back together, to share a home so they don’t have to be ported back and forth between us. Because, really, who’s it for, them or us? Are we divvying out their lives because it’s the best for all involved?

So on this Saturday night, when darkness makes every burden a little heavier, I’m deciding that it’s childhood compromised, a sad tug of war between two adults greedy for their children.

And to be completely honest, I’m feeling especially greedy right now…

11 comments:

Kristi O said...

You are entitled to feel greedy.... and to ache and to feel random feelings.... you are a mom, and that's what we feel. Wish you were in the Big Lew

Annie said...

I think we would all have the same heartache - you wouldn't be mom if you didn't.

Hope it eases as it becomes more 'the norm'.

Rachel said...

Being greedy for all the right reasons is okay...at least if this situation had to happen...they still have two homes where someone loves them.

suburbancorrespondent said...

I guess Rachel has the most positive attitude here. But I wouldn't be able to help thinking, "So why the heck couldn't you handle them all weekend on your own while we were married?"

Eileen said...

Be greedy, it is ok. I think most of us would feel the exact same way. I know I would too! I think the most important thing is that your kids know that both of you love them very much and your are not undermining or bad mouthing the other. Sometimes taking that high road is so hard, but I know you always do, for the children. I hope with time and as the kids get a little older it becomes a littler easier. On the weekends they are away, make sure you do special things for yourself, see friends, try to stay busy.
No one plans for things to work out this way!! In a perfect world, you would be together, and none of this would have happened. However, I admire you so much for doing what you needed to do, which for the big picture was healthier for you and the children.
You are a wonderful mother and I think everything you are feeling is normal, greed too. Be gentle with yourself!
Love.

shawn said...

focus on the moment ... being greedy is okay ... anyone in a similiar place understand the sentiments completely ...

The kids will not only understand the shuttling ... they will be strengthened by the love they are given by their mom in the midst of it all ...

hang in there ... the dawn will come and with it you are a step closer to having your kids back to satiate that greedy (and acceptably understandable) yearning ...

Anonymous said...

God will lead you through this as He leads you through all other trials. And he will be there for your children as well. They are His as well as yours and he will bless and keep them. And you are absolutely entitled to your feelings of grief and loss. Hopefully it gets easier.

We love you. If you ever need a getaway, our house is always open, and we finally got a new mattress for that awful bunkbed, so you'll actually be able to sleep comfortably.

Lots of love and hugs.

Mary

Midwest Mommy said...

I cannot imagine what that must be like. My sister is currently going through a very hurtful separation and her biggest fear is loosing those moments with her children. It just breaks my heart.

Karen said...

Bless your greedy little heart. Too long/too short, too near/too far, too late/too soon, it's all too much and too little, isn't it? I cry for you.

Erin said...

Karen said it perfectly--it's always too much or too little. Good luck getting through those times. Thanks for all the great comments on my blog. You are the greatest--let's all move back to Clarkston--I am a Sharp's burger virgin.

Anonymous said...

I second Erin's comment on "let's all most to Clarkston". I would love to have all of us there. We all love you Shauna and are praying for you to get through this. Love ya, jen

P.s. Erin I can't believe you are a Sharp's virgin!!! We got to get on that the next time you guys come up.