My children have learned how to tell time. I know, I know. They’re brilliant. And they owe it all to me.
So let me explain how it works. I’ll say, “You can play video games for 30 minutes,” and Kaleb will say, “That’s one cartoon, right?” Or if I say, “You can play at the neighbor’s house for an hour and a half,” Leah will say, “That’s as long as one movie.” Yes, folks, my children measure time by segments of television viewing. And their skills are advanced. For instance, Kaleb knows that an hour and a half is equal to three cartoons or one movie, and two hours is equal to approximately one movie plus a cartoon. That’s at least fifth-grade math, wouldn’t you say? Wunderkind.
But least you think their brilliance ends there I must expound. Until about two months ago, Zack’s color mastery hinged on the Disney Cars characters. If you pointed to the color red, Zack would call it ‘Itning A-Queen.’ Blue was ‘Doc,’ green was ‘Chick,’ and purple was ‘Ramone.’ Yellow, orange, and brown didn’t even exist because, as far as Zack knew, there were no cars in the movie of those colors.
What would the American Association of Pediatrics say? They’re currently in the process of revoking my SuperMom status. I know, it’s a shame. But I’ll sacrifice a lot for my children’s education.