Sunday, July 01, 2012

The Law of Attraction and Tampon Dispsensers

Note: the following post is intended for an all female audience. Any man who reads this post is cautioned to do so at his own risk. ‘Nuf said.

I don’t mean to make a public announcement or anything, but it’s that time of month. And I did the last thing any woman should ever do within the first couple days of her period. I went shopping. And unlike other, more prepared women, I wasn't carrying a spare in my purse, if you know what I mean. My new BFF, who no longer has a uterus, informed me that even she carries a tampon in her purse. In retrospect I’m realizing I should have gone shopping with her.

So I was at Sam’s Club with Leah and Zack, checking out the summer workbooks for kids, when I realized a change of guard was in order. But, I thought, this is America. What retail chain wouldn’t take advantage of a woman’s misfortune and sell a tampon or two in their restrooms? No problem, right?

The ladies room was being serviced. The janitor heard my moan of frustration and called out, “You can use the family restroom.” Women who use the family restrooms need tampons too, right? So I ushered my children in to discover that the only thing being dispensed in the family restroom was diaper packs and scented changing pads.

So leaving the door to the family restroom open while my children romped and played, I wedged myself between the wall and the janitor's cart to check the walls of the women’s restroom.

“Can I help you?” the janitor asked, stepping directly into my comfort zone.

“Are there any, uhm, machines, in there?” I asked.

Machines?” he asked, and I could tell he was trying to figure out what new technology he was missing out on.

I racked my brain. Was there a nice euphemism for tampon dispenser? Besides girlie cigar and lady lolli I couldn’t think of one proper synonym for tampon, period. Pun intended.

“I need a tampon. Is there a tampon dispenser in there?”

I realized there are many things you can say to shut a man up, but that phrase, uttered to a complete stranger, is by far the most effective. He didn’t say a thing. In fact, he physically resisted the reflex to look at my crotch and see just how dire my lady dilemma was.Not that dire, buddy.

I returned to the family restroom and soon realized that my situation hadn’t been dire at all. All that fuss for nothing.

My friend insists that I “attract” these situations so I have something to write about.

Speak up, ladies. Please tell me there are others who experience menstrual emergencies while out and about. That I’m not that only female on the planet who exposes her eczema to single pediatricians, locks herself outside the house in the dead of winter (after midnight),and is accosted by Mary Kay consultants while standing in the neuter line.

Never mind. Don't answer that. I don’t want to know…

24 comments:

LikeAstaR said...

haha.. I think we have all been there.. we jsut dont' amke it sound so entertaining

Karen (Pediascribe) said...

" In fact, he physically resisted the reflex to look at my crotch and see just how dire my lady dilemma was."

***snort***

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah! Been there! Thank you, Shauna, for brightening my morning.

Mary

Life As I Know It said...

Oh no! Glad everything turned out ok in the end.
I usually have a spare in my purse after once being stuck without one...not fun.

Anonymous said...

Loved this post! I especially loved "girlie cigar or lady lolli"! Yay! New vocabulary words! All that aside, if you carry one in your purse, then you will never need it, it will come unwrapped and it will be rolling around in the bottom of your purse naked. Who wants to use a naked tampon that has gathered up all the gross junk at the bottom of your purse? Not me! Thanks for the laugh! I needed it!

K

Gustogirl said...

I think we can all relate to this emergency. Glad it wasn't "as bad" as you thought.

Candygirlflies said...

When I was pulled over last fall for my first (and only) speeding ticket-- on my way to PRESCHOOL, no less-- a big ol' box of spares fell out of my glove compartment, right in front of the cop, while I was rummaging around for my ownership and registration papers.

Would you believe I offered him one, instead of doing an embarassed apology routine???

I would LOVE to tell you he let me off out of pity (and just a little fear). But, alas.

He was good enough to laugh, though.

You. Are. NOT. Alone!!!

I'm right here, on the road to Looney Land, beside you.

xoxo CGF

shawn said...

as one of your male readers (And the father to two nearly-teen girls) I found your post - HILARIOUS!!!

I kind of feel sorry for the poor attendant ... they seriously don't pay those poor guys enough to deal with situations like this ...

I do however give thanks that YOU find yourself in such situations and possess the skill to write about them so eloquently ... good job.

Cracked me up ... and I've never had the ... um ... "pleasure" of such experiences ...(one of the benefits of my gender!!??)

Thelissa said...

I'm laughing too hard to even share my own stories. My husband wants to know what is so funny! Again, so glad I checked in with you today!

Crazed Mom said...

Too funny and those of us over 30 have been there. More than once. Which is why I am so happy to be on non cycling bc pills.


aka JaniceNW

Melodrama Mama said...

Note to self: go and place back up supplies in every bag and purse that I own.....

jen said...

I have also been in similar situations but I always find the bathrooms that have no tampon machines. I have to come up with other solutions such as rolled up toilet paper to form a make-ship pad which is totally uncomfortable and makes me even more selfconcious until I find a real tampon. I love your story!!

shauna said...

Jen, I almost talked about the toilet -paper pad but thought I was sharing too much info as is. We're such sisters!

Love that everyone (ahem, except Shawn, of course) has been in a similar situation. And I did feel sorry for that poor janitor. He was minding his own business, and then I came along...

K, so true about the naked tampon! Now I've got great new vocabulary.

CFG, I'm so on that road to Looney Land with you. Glad we can keep each other company!

Janice NW, what are those pills and where can I get some?!?

Becky said...

Thanks for a great-totally-relatable laugh today. Loved it.

You crack me up!

Tracee said...

This actually happened to me this week. I was surrounded by men and the pregnant and menopausal - No help.

I made a pad by folding up toilet paper. Worked fine till I got home.

Carrie Wilson Link said...

Oh, how I've walked in your shoes! But now I am BLISSFULLY uterus free. Wish I'd done that long ago. Don't miss "that" for a single second.

Eileen said...

I laughed when I read this because I so remember those times. It was awful. Now I don't have a uterus and haven't looked back. However, having 3 girls with their periods, is not fun. I won't elaborate, but I think you get the idea. I don't think I'll ever be totally free of that kind of problem.

By the way, teen girls now call it, "I got an e-mail today." I had no clue, so I kept saying "from who?" They think I am so uncool and clueless! They are right.

XOXOXO

Linds said...

Oh my gosh, I've had so many incidents. I never really know when to expect mine, sometimes it hits at the worst times.

My latest experience, I was at a concert getting ready to enter. We had to be patted down, the woman got to my pockets and said, "remove whatever is in there". I said, "it's a tampon". She said, "I need to see it." I had to hold it up in front of everyone. Stupid lady.

Tola said...

you can fit a bunch of OB tampons (i know, not my fave brand because of the no-applicator thing but they work in a pinch) in an old Altoids tin. keeps them clothed, and hidden. however, shake the tin before you offer your date a mint.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to let you know that everyone has shared your pain at one time or another.

For instance, at my High School, I suppose the administration decided one day that no High School females could possibly have a "time of the month" and took out all the pad and tampon dispensers in the entire school.

~Jordan

Jamie said...

The dreaded tampon machine!! Gotta love old Aunt Flow...she always comes at the best times:)) What else must us poor women endure ont his earth?? Wait, don't answer that!

Anonymous said...

If it can't cause you anymore embarrassment, than being bare-assed in public, and you have a codescending and judgemental sister that is sure to call attention to that obvious fact;then we are of kindered spirits.:)

Wendy said...

Haha....I think all us women have unfortunately "been there and done that." When the olympics were in SLC, the little door checker security guy was going through my purse at one of the venue' s when he pulled at my tampon. He just shook his head, handed me back my purse and said, "I've seen the inside of too many women' s purses today. Just go on in."

But now I am "uterus free" amd loving it. I would happily be the hysterectomy poster child. Best thing I have ever done.

shauna said...

That's too funny, Wendy. My best friend is uterus-free and can't say enough good things about it. SOOOO jealous!