Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Brainless in Idaho

For the record, I am currently not interested in dating (so please, do not email the paper requesting to set me up with your handsome, yet freakishly single cousin/brother/son/friend who so happens to be taller than 5’10 and handy enough to fix my roof and tile my kitchen floor. Oh, and serenade me with his dizzying voice and slack-key guitar. That definitely wouldn’t interest me at all). But still, sometimes a girl can be consumed by a fit of curiosity which causes her to do strange things, in strange places.

A few weeks ago my friend told me about this beautiful bachelor who also happened to be a pediatrician. My friend and her sister raved about Dr. LoveMonkey, admitting they became giddy every time their children ran a fever.

Flash forward to last week. Zack had a rash. It looked suspiciously like ringworm, so I made an appointment with my pediatrician. My pediatrician was out of town so they managed to squeeze us in with, you guessed it, Dr. LoveMonkey.
Lest you suspect otherwise, I totally kept my cool. I was just surprised that the infamous Dr. LoveMonkey actually worked with my pediatrician; to tell you the truth I suspected he was an urban legend and my friend was just messing with me. I was curious, but otherwise unaffected.
Unaffected, that is, until Dr. LoveMonkey walked into the examination room. My friend hadn’t done the man justice. He was handsome alright, and exotic, and warm, and hypnotic in a dizzying sort of slack-key guitar way. For a girl who prides herself with being educated and articulate, I immediately became brainless and bumbling. Had I only become speechless. But no, unfortunately, speech was the last thing to go.
After my awkward description of Zack’s strange rash in which I somehow managed to say I was divorced, Dr. LoveMonkey looked my son over and said the rash was textbook eczema.
“Is that genetic, because I think I have it.”
Yes, I said that. And, no, I didn’t stop talking. I couldn’t stop talking. Words dropped from my mouth in humiliating combinations.
But the nice doctor didn’t bat an eye. “Yes. It’s definitely genetic.” And he showed me the classic areas eczema can found, including the inner forearm.
And I promise I’m not making this up. I wish I were. But after he pointed that out I actually began rolling up my sleeves to show Dr. LoveMonkey my eczema, because apparently in that brainless moment I thought flakey skin just might be the key to this man’s heart. Oh, and I think I said something dazzling like, “I have that…”
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I met the most eligible bachelor in Idaho Falls and showed him my eczema. Now I’m no brain surgeon or rocket scientist, but I’m guessing this means I’m not quite ready to date.
Date or interact with the single male species.


Thelissa said...

You don't know me, but that was a very funny story! Glad I dropped in! Hang in there with the whole dating thing. I don't envy you.

Gustogirl said...

Haha, when I get uncomfortable I have a tendency to start talking and talking when I should just keep my mouth shut.

shawn said...

Thanks Shauna - you made me smile, and today that isn't an easy place to get to ...

Your story is hilarious - Dr. Lovemonkey's loss though ... silly boy ... but, then we've ALL been there - like the wise old Owl said in Bambi - "twitter-pated"!!
Hang in there ... it will ALL work out!!

LikeAstaR said...

way to go on the weight loss!! I am such a talker too. WE miss you here!! Song ideas:
Love to Hate you-erasure
You're so Vain- Carly Simon
Can't hold us down- Christina Aguilera
Stronger- Christina Aguilera
Stronger- Brittany (I know)
THose are mostly.. I don't need you or anyone osngs.. but anyway, that is what is on my IPOD.

SuburbanCorrespondent said...

Ouch. Be glad you didn't bring Zack in for...oh, I don't know...a rash on his testicles? But congratulations on the 14 pounds!

Karen (Pediascribe) said...

Oh my gosh! That's funny. In a humiliating sort of way. Funny for me anyway. :)
And I totally agree with suburban.....it could have been worse! ;)
Although then I'd hope you wouldn't have blurted out "I have that...."
hee hee

Candygirlflies said...

Thank God he wasn't a proctologist.

And that's all I'm going to say.


xo CGF

Anonymous said...

That was so FUNNY!!! Shauna, I love your stuff. You made my morning!

(And Dr. LoveMonkey is probably used to having women go all crazy on him. ) Wouldn't it be funny if he read your blog? Or your column? :-)


Spammon said...

Hey, I think as long as you don't have the hairy tongue, you may get a date out of it. You should have said 'Would you mind looking at my eczema tonight over dinner?'

shauna said...

Thanks for your empathy, guys. I felt like a total idiot, and my first thought was, "at least I'll get a column out of this." Here's hoping no one at Dr. LoveMonkey's office reads the paper...

Mary, thanks so much for reading!

Spammon, I have got to learn how to channel your sense of humor in difficult situations.

CFG and SC, It's frightening to imagine what might have happened if...

Likeastar, Thanks a ton for the list. Those are perfect!

Chris said...

Congrats on the weight loss, that is awesome! Thanks for the laugh, I think it is great that you can write all of this out. I am sure Dr. Lovemonkey has seen worse. :-) After all eczema isn't so bad.

Anonymous said...

We used to live in Idaho Falls. . . well, that is weird! We moved three years ago to Eastern TN. I probably even know who that doc is . . rofl

jen said...

So awesome about the 14 lbs!! I need to join you. Can't wait to see you next weekend. Maybe we can do a drive by the pediatricians office and you can point Dr. LoveMonkey out to me. love lots! jen

Carrie Wilson Link said...

I love your writing!

I love your sense of humor!

I love that you showed LoveMonkey your eczema!

I love that you're having success with WW!!

pinkmorning said...

this is not an independent woman song so much as a makes me feel good when i am feeling down song but...

float on by modest mouse

it took me a few times listening to it to get the words down, but it is awesome for working out and a good pick-me-up song.

Congratulations on the weight loss!

Anonymous said...

So glad to see you posting, I missed you. Congratulations on the WW loss. That is wonderful, you must feel great.

As for Dr. Lovemonkey, I bet he was flattered. It is not everyday he get to see a patient's mother's eczema. You made an impression, I am sure. Too funny!!

Hope all is well in your household, eczema aside.

Take care!


Anonymous said...

Nice shauna! You made me laugh tonight, I should say early this morning. Love ya,

Wendy said...

As if dating the first time around isn't bad enough! That to WAY too funny! Do you think that the ped. read your article?

Congrats on the weight loss! That is fantastic!

Melodrama Mama said...

Above post was me....sorry.

Favorite work out songs:

The Middle: Jimmy Eat World
I will survive: Gloria Gaynor
I won't back down: Tom Petty
I'm Gonna Be: The Proclaimers
Suddenly I See: Kt Tunstall
Walk Away: Kelly Clarkson
Starlight: Muse
The Look: Roxette

Anonymous said...

Shauna, this post wins the internet. Also, ZUNE IS WIN! IPODS SUCK IT. I gots me a zune, and my favorite kind of music is the dancy kind, which translates well into excerisize music, so I gots some files to send you, Seriously, they're on their way.


Anonymous said...

Agreed with everything Syd said. And Techno would be some good workout music me thinks. My favorite of Syd's music is Modeselektor, she should send you Ladytron too. I'm all over that stuff.


shauna said...

Carrie, thanks a lot. That means a lot coming from you.

Pinkmorning, Melodrama, & Sydney, thanks so much for the music recommendations!

Sydney & Jordan, thanks for reading, guys. Totally flattered that I'm reaching the young and hip demographic. :)

Eileen, thanks so much for missing me!

anon, wouldn't it be funny if you did know him? The column ran on Thursday and I haven't gotten any angry calls from the peds office. Think I might be safe...

Jen & Denise, Love and miss you guys! Can't wait to see you this weekend!

Rhonda Barnes said...


Dawn said...

Too funny. I got to your blog through "Paper is my Therapy" and I love your style! I was interested because of the "Up in the Nite" title. (I can't stinkin get to sleep tonight!) I noticed that someone else from Lewiston/Clarkston loves you (YOU DO ROCK AT HOME IN LEWISTON AND CLARKSTON VALLEY!) I am in Lewiston. Do you have family here?

Dawn said...

I think I answered my own question about your family in the L/C Valley. Were you at the scrap retreat with Kristi from Crop Paper Scissors in June (on the Snake River past Asotin)? I was there... Sitting over by Kristi and laughing constantly.

BTW your posts are too funny. I think I will have to add your blog to my list of faves!