I can’t afford therapy so I’m writing in my journal, religiously. It sits on my bedside table and sometimes I stay up until one in the morning, writing down my feelings and reflections, trying to figure stuff out and make myself accountable for changes I’m trying to make.
Recently I’ve been made acutely aware of how much I worry about what other people think. Does anyone else struggle with this? When I’m at church, with my family, talking with my ex, and yes, even publishing posts to this here blog. It’s been something I’ve struggled with since high school. Before that I remember being a carefree child who could care less what anyone thought. What changed that?
Junior high. At least that’s when I realized that others’ judgments could impact me in a very public way. There was this popular pack of boys who would roam the halls before school, circling the 8th grade wing and bulldozing anyone in their path. I remember having my locker closed on me, being goosed while trying to drink from the fountain and watching a friend get shoved out of someone’s way. I went from being a strong girl to feeling powerless and very vulnerable. That carefree child retreated and I began spending time in the library, waiting there with a group of friends until the bell rang.
But that was so many years ago and I’m an adult now. Stick and stones, right? Not only that, but I’m a mother and I don’t want to model this perception to my children (I know, if this is how I perceive the world I already have modeled this perception). So I’m trying to move beyond this, making the best choices I can regardless of, irrespective of what others might think.
I’ve been lucky as I’ve moved through this divorce. There have been countless individuals who have stepped forward to offer their love and support, including so many of you in the blogging community. And for that I’m extremely grateful. But every now and then I encounter a mean-spirited judgment that sends me reeling. And I feel that urge to justify my choices, explain my situation, and divulge information that is private and personal. But I’m trying to remember that my only concern is how one entity regards my choices. When I acknowledge that I’m baffled that some are presumptuous enough to think they can pass judgment on me and mine, or anyone else for that matter (I’m also baffled that I’ve been presumptuous enough to pass thoughtless judgments on others as well).
So I’m trying not to worry about what anyone else may think about my life. I’m also trying to remember how important it is to refrain from judging others, to reach out to those who need understanding and generosity of spirit. Really, we’re all trying to learn here and I believe we each have experiences tailored to our needs. Those of you who share your very personal experiences on your blogs enrich my life and demonstrate the resilience of the human spirit and how we’re all just trying to do the best we can.
I hope I don’t offend any of you by removing all the bling from my blog. I have been giddy over each and every award but I’ve gotten to the point where I worry too much about how “popular” I am here in cyberspace and that’s just a silly. So I’m going to write from my heart and not worry about the numbers, awards or anything else. I’m just going to enjoy my blog and the great community it’s nestled in.
Thanks for reading!
Recently I’ve been made acutely aware of how much I worry about what other people think. Does anyone else struggle with this? When I’m at church, with my family, talking with my ex, and yes, even publishing posts to this here blog. It’s been something I’ve struggled with since high school. Before that I remember being a carefree child who could care less what anyone thought. What changed that?
Junior high. At least that’s when I realized that others’ judgments could impact me in a very public way. There was this popular pack of boys who would roam the halls before school, circling the 8th grade wing and bulldozing anyone in their path. I remember having my locker closed on me, being goosed while trying to drink from the fountain and watching a friend get shoved out of someone’s way. I went from being a strong girl to feeling powerless and very vulnerable. That carefree child retreated and I began spending time in the library, waiting there with a group of friends until the bell rang.
But that was so many years ago and I’m an adult now. Stick and stones, right? Not only that, but I’m a mother and I don’t want to model this perception to my children (I know, if this is how I perceive the world I already have modeled this perception). So I’m trying to move beyond this, making the best choices I can regardless of, irrespective of what others might think.
I’ve been lucky as I’ve moved through this divorce. There have been countless individuals who have stepped forward to offer their love and support, including so many of you in the blogging community. And for that I’m extremely grateful. But every now and then I encounter a mean-spirited judgment that sends me reeling. And I feel that urge to justify my choices, explain my situation, and divulge information that is private and personal. But I’m trying to remember that my only concern is how one entity regards my choices. When I acknowledge that I’m baffled that some are presumptuous enough to think they can pass judgment on me and mine, or anyone else for that matter (I’m also baffled that I’ve been presumptuous enough to pass thoughtless judgments on others as well).
So I’m trying not to worry about what anyone else may think about my life. I’m also trying to remember how important it is to refrain from judging others, to reach out to those who need understanding and generosity of spirit. Really, we’re all trying to learn here and I believe we each have experiences tailored to our needs. Those of you who share your very personal experiences on your blogs enrich my life and demonstrate the resilience of the human spirit and how we’re all just trying to do the best we can.
I hope I don’t offend any of you by removing all the bling from my blog. I have been giddy over each and every award but I’ve gotten to the point where I worry too much about how “popular” I am here in cyberspace and that’s just a silly. So I’m going to write from my heart and not worry about the numbers, awards or anything else. I’m just going to enjoy my blog and the great community it’s nestled in.
Thanks for reading!
11 comments:
Good for you! Blogging should be for you, and for fun. It's not a popularity contest - well for most of us it isn't ;)
Talking to girlfriends is good therapy also. It's like that guy in Crocodile Dundee said, upon visiting New York City and learning that everyone there (almost) had a personal therapist: "What, don't you people have mates [friends]?"
Amen! When it comes down to it, numbers and stats and awards don't matter. If bloggers just do it for those reasons, their blogs end up dull and boring! I like personal blogs the best! Ones that reflect what's going on in the writer's life. :)
I started my blog for me--I didn't even tell anyone about it for a while. That's why I was so concerned that my family would find it and I would have to censor "my" thing. It's just nice to be validated sometimes in how you feel (mostly as a mother). Good for you. I think you are awesome!
Shawna,
Carrie Link at Fully-Caffinated, wrote something similar to this on her blog today. She is on my side bar. I am glad you are just writing from the heart and not worrying about the bling or the numbers....this shouldn't be about popularity, it is about real life, our ups and downs, and where we come to process what goes on with us. The extra bonus for me, has been meeting wonderful people like you, and getting such amazing, caring support. For me, that has been so overwhelming unexpected and has touched me deeply.
I use to care so much about what people thought....now not so much at all. I really just try to be myself, not compromise who I am and treat people with respect, even if I don't agree with them. Some days this is easier said, but it is my goal.
I think you are such an amazing person, mother and writer. I am so glad we met in this bloggy world. Remember, it is your blog, and you should do with it whatever you want.
XOXOX
we need each other in this crazy mixed up world.
I think this is a great step! I've been going through the process of making my blog more what I want it to be and less what I think others want, if you know what I mean... It's a good process.
I think anyone who sayd that they don't care what people htink is either lying or a complete narcissist. Maybe that is what I tell myself when I catch myself consumed by the opinions of others. I applaud your ability and willingness to rise above that, but also wish to tell you that it doens't make you a bad person or mother. Again... maybe this is another lie I tell myself. I also know what you ares ayinga bout the blog. I also find myself wondering what others are going to think, etc. What a croc. This whole exercise SHOULD be for ourselves and if others can be entertained, or inspired then great.. If not... shouldn't matter. All of this is easier sad that done of course.
I come to read your words ... and they are worth returning for...
The Bling won't be missed.
Shauna, as I've moved through the MANY struggles I'm living (the disintegration of my marriage, the loss of my job, the destruction of my reputation and the gossip and lies told about me) I've learned that my blog has annoyed and aggravated many - I'm here to afflict the comfortable - but the words remain MINE and for that I, like you remain unapologetic.
Keep writing Shauna you deserve the therapy blogs offer and MORE.
Brave girl. The water is fine and you're the only one in it.
Shauna,
I appreciated reading this....I guess I didn't realize that there were blogs out there like that. I am "blogger-naive", I guess. What a shame.
Keep doing what your doing....I love reading and I keep coming back.
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