Thursday, November 01, 2007

Mission Mompossible

The other night I watched Mission Impossible for the first time in years. And as I watched I realized why I will never be a secret agent. Not because I can’t hold my breath for more than five minutes while I defuse a bomb underwater. Not because I can’t scale an elevator shaft in an evening gown. And not even because I’m probably taller (and heavier) than Tom Cruise with Suri on his back. No, not for any of those reasons.

I could never be a secret agent because I wouldn’t be able to listen to the entire secret recording without rewinding it. By the time it self-destructed I’d be turning to the person next to me asking, “Did you hear what he just said?”

The truth is, I’ve become my mother (bless you, mom!). In order to follow a movie I have to rewind it at least 5 times or ask my children to 1) repeat what’s just been said or 2) turn up the television, again.

Now there are valid reasons for this. One is my poor hearing. My mother was right; all that rock music did make me go deaf. But more problematic than that is my newly acquired lack of focus.

Before I had children I could watch three movies in a row, sitting for more than 362 minutes in a wooden chair watching B-grade films without missing one scene. In fact, to the chagrin of my co-watchers, I probably would have deconstructed each before the credits had run, cross-analyzing the films like a graduate student with nothing better to do (because I was). I would use words like “acquiescent,” “theoretically,” and “banal.” Yeah. I was a real smarty-pants.

But not so much these days. I’m lucky if I can watch a Pixar film and get all the adult jokes the first time through. And the phrase I’m most likely to say while watching said film is, “What did he just say?”

Which takes me back to my future as a secret agent. It ain’t gonna happen. Not that I was planning on it or anything; it’s just nice to have options. I’ve decided this is how my encounter with that secret recording would probably go down.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it…

“Zack, get off the counter! And Kaleb, you put that cookie back… Did he just
say Prague? Am I supposed to defuse an underwater bomb in Praugue?”

…and scale an elevator shaft in your evening gown with Suri on your back…

“Did he say sell the pretty little surrey with the fringe on top, or scale an elevator shaft with Suri on my back?”


We would not do well if the safety of our nation rested in my ever-so-chapped hands.

This post will self-destruct in 20 seconds…

16 comments:

Bananas said...

This one totally has me cracking up. Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

That was awesome, however don't cut your self short, I don't think Tom Cruise could do half of the great things that you can do!! After all he only has one kid and he probably has like 3 nannies...at least. Plus he is a little crazy you know. love ya, jen

suburbancorrespondent said...

Fuhgeddaboutit. You have more important things to do, anyway.

LikeAstaR said...

I am the same way!! I even had to reread the post a coupld of times... I am a complete mess!

Gustogirl said...

My brain is a total sieve. I even decided that I need to get a PDA of some sort just to keep track of what I need to do. I run to Target for 3 things and by the time I get there, I'm lucky if I remember 1. The sad part is, I am not exaggerating

Rachel said...

Thank goodness for subtitles...now I wish I could use subtitles in real life!!
by the way...I am heavier than Katie Holmes with Tom Cruise on her back!

Kristi O said...

This is cracking me up! I love it! I am just like you, I have to multitask when I watch a movie or I fall asleep, I don't even do well in the movie theater, then I get to blogging and miss all the good parts. Geesh, loved the post!

Erin said...

Wait, what? I only get to read a paragraph or two before I have to go and referee something and by the time I remember I was doing something on the computer, it has been taken over by Noggin or Hot Wheels. Oh well...such is life.

Karen (Pediascribe) said...

I will admit to watching movies and turning the subtitles on! Yeah, even if the movie is in English. It's especially bad in the action adventure movies where the bombs blowing up and the motorcycle chase noises drown out the dialogue. Or sometimes it's just the darn orchestra music.

Eileen said...

Oh, this one was way too funny, and way too close to home. My brain has totally lost its ability to focus, probably because of the 40 items on my To Do list going around in my head, and all the girls talking/yelling at once. Gotta love motherhood. Thank you my friend for a very good laugh, and reminding me that I do not walk alone!

Candygirlflies said...

You are such a scream...

Miss you!! Hope everything is going well...

xo CGF

Mrs. G. said...

This was such a fun post, and I'm so with you on the patience and short terma memory issues. But:

"...not even because I’m probably taller (and heavier) than Tom Cruise with Suri on his back."

This made me cackle.

Anonymous said...

THIS IS TOO FUNNY...YES,you can get good things from your mother! I don't know how many times I have even read a book going back over paragraphs or sentences to focus on what they said......many many times I am sure. Love it you are so good Mom

Midwest Mommy said...

I am the same way or so my hubby tells me. I tell him he mumbles and he tells me to get my hearing checked.

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

Can't write. Too busy laughing.

Becky said...

You are so funny! Love it!