So did you hear the news? Apparently butter-flavored microwave popcorn causes lung cancer. Not that I think the Universe is listening or anything, but I take issue with that.
Initially they thought only factory workers were coming down with this rare type of lung cancer, called bronchiolitis obliterans or “popcorn workers’ lung” (I’m not making this stuff up). But then they found this 53-year old man with an acute fondness for microwave popcorn; he eats it twice a day and breaks open each bag to take a whiff of the buttery vapors. Apparently, that can kill you.
I’ve spent thirty odd years of my life avoiding the big vices. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I’ve never done drugs. And I don’t wear white after Labor Day. But I am a diet coke fan and eat my fair share of butter-flavored microwave popcorn. And wouldn’t you know it, the popcorn’s gonna do me in. (Although I may not sniff the popcorn steam, I do lick the butter off the bag. Is that so bad?)
I would like to propose a solution. If anyone would be interested in signing a petition, I would like to ask God to take both popcorn cancer and breast cancer off the table. And as long as we’re asking, colon cancer, prostate cancer, and leukemia (go for the gold, right?). Because as far as cancer goes, those seem especially unreasonable.
I’m guessing that He’s going to want something in return, being a just God and all. To sweeten the deal, I say we throw in a few carcinogens of our choosing. Win, win, right?
So here’s my list (feel free to email me with more) of things that should cause cancer: telemarketing, flipping the bird (because really, people, can’t we just all get along?), not allowing someone to merge even though they’ve been signaling for three blocks, green ketchup (that’s just wrong), cleaning the toilet, nylons, Monday Night Football (okay, okay, it’s off the list…), dressing room mirrors and fluorescent lighting (that’s a combo deal), bullying, name-calling, rolling your eyes at your mother, blowing your nose on anything but tissue paper, and being a Paris Hilton fan. There. That’s a solid list, right?
Now we know why I’m not God. But if I were, microwave popcorn would definitely not cause cancer. (And fudge-covered Oreo cookies would be fat-free.)