Thursday, October 18, 2007

Popcorn Cancer

So did you hear the news? Apparently butter-flavored microwave popcorn causes lung cancer. Not that I think the Universe is listening or anything, but I take issue with that.
Initially they thought only factory workers were coming down with this rare type of lung cancer, called bronchiolitis obliterans or “popcorn workers’ lung” (I’m not making this stuff up). But then they found this 53-year old man with an acute fondness for microwave popcorn; he eats it twice a day and breaks open each bag to take a whiff of the buttery vapors. Apparently, that can kill you.

I’ve spent thirty odd years of my life avoiding the big vices. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I’ve never done drugs. And I don’t wear white after Labor Day. But I am a diet coke fan and eat my fair share of butter-flavored microwave popcorn. And wouldn’t you know it, the popcorn’s gonna do me in. (Although I may not sniff the popcorn steam, I do lick the butter off the bag. Is that so bad?)

I would like to propose a solution. If anyone would be interested in signing a petition, I would like to ask God to take both popcorn cancer and breast cancer off the table. And as long as we’re asking, colon cancer, prostate cancer, and leukemia (go for the gold, right?). Because as far as cancer goes, those seem especially unreasonable.

I’m guessing that He’s going to want something in return, being a just God and all. To sweeten the deal, I say we throw in a few carcinogens of our choosing. Win, win, right?

So here’s my list (feel free to email me with more) of things that should cause cancer: telemarketing, flipping the bird (because really, people, can’t we just all get along?), not allowing someone to merge even though they’ve been signaling for three blocks, green ketchup (that’s just wrong), cleaning the toilet, nylons, Monday Night Football (okay, okay, it’s off the list…), dressing room mirrors and fluorescent lighting (that’s a combo deal), bullying, name-calling, rolling your eyes at your mother, blowing your nose on anything but tissue paper, and being a Paris Hilton fan. There. That’s a solid list, right?

Now we know why I’m not God. But if I were, microwave popcorn would definitely not cause cancer. (And fudge-covered Oreo cookies would be fat-free.)

Amen.

11 comments:

Rachel said...

"rolling your eyes at your mother"


My son would be a goner!!


I would also like to request permission to add Victoria's Secret models to that list?

suburbancorrespondent said...

Nice concept! We missed you! And stop licking those bags.

Anonymous said...

Love your column. I can't think of anything to add to the "causing cancer" list, but I'd like to add Ben and Jerry's to the good for you list.

Love to you and yours,

Mary

Becky said...

I'd like to add a couple....SPAM email senders and risque TV commercial makers.

Glad to see you back....

Kristi O said...

I am dying over here! I am laughing so hard I really did snot diet coke up my nose.... thats been awhile, you have to blog more. you are truly missed. Show me where to sign

shawn said...

Fer NOT Shauna ... that story caught the attention of my three wee ones when it broke ... They looked into it, and to be effected by the cancer-causing agents in Popcorn you would have to eat SO MUCH popcorn, cancer would actually be the least of your worries ...

As for the list ... I would like to see us reach that day when ALL cancer's a beaten ...

But in the meantime ... I think you've offered us all a timely, charming and delightful reminder of WHY Life is so precious and to be savoured and enjoyed ...

Keep writing ... you've been missed !!!

LikeAstaR said...

so funny! HOpe all is well!

Anonymous said...

Shauna I LOVE YA!! I second the Ben & Jerry's ice cream for the Good especially the Fish Food!!
Love ya, your sis denise

jen said...

Shauna, all those paper column people are idiots. That popcorn article was a lot better than the lame-so-called-humor-columnist in our stupid paper. Love ya lots!! I would like to add people who slam on their brakes on the freeway when no one is in front of them and also to the good for you list all M&M's...I am an addict I will admit. jen

Tola said...

but i *like* flipping the bird. i was at a 4-way stop once, and it was my turn. the other car went first, and i let the driver know in a visual manner what i thought of his manners. turns out he was an undercover cop. that was the first time i was ever pulled over. and he didnt ticket me either.

Cancer Friend said...

Wow! terrific!