Tuesday, August 07, 2007

MEMO to my son

TO: Zackary William
FROM: Mommy
DATE: 8/7/07
RE: Saturday night’s “activities”

Now would be a good time to assess the activities that transpired the night of Saturday, August 4th, 2007, since we (i.e. me) have had amble time to cool down and reflect.

Understanding that you are not yet ready to deposit your poopies and peepees into the potty (having tried 4 vigilant attempts at “training” thus far), I appreciate your need to further acclimate to the big boy method of going to the bathroom. However, I would ask that given the current diaper-friendly situation, you consider the following the next time you need to fill your drawers (i.e. pampers, the generic brand).

  • Do not remove said diapers once you have taken a juicy dump.

  • Do not place your soiled buttocks on the carpet or furniture once you have removed those diapers.

  • Once placed in the bathtub to remove the poopage that resulted from the unauthorized diaper-removal, do not sneak from the tub and leave poopy butt prints on the porcelain while the parental authority (i.e. me) goes to get PJ's.

  • And absolutely DO NOT take the parental authority's cell phone (i.e. my cell phone) back into the tub with you to hold on your chest while you practice the back-float in very unstable waters.


I appreciate your consideration in the aforementioned requests and anticipate that we will both better endure the current diaper situation if you choose to honor them. I would also ask that when you are ready to use the toilet, and dear heaven above let that be soon, you inform me immediately.

23 comments:

Mama P said...

My son used to lay logs for me under the dining room table just for kicks and giggles. Cue "All in the Family"... Those were the daaaaays.... Thanks for visiting my site. I'll be back to yours soon.

JaniceNW said...

Oh jeez. Aren't boys just gross? Mine were. They still are, now just verbally.

Rachel said...

My son---who will love that I am sharing this, now that he is six---used to hide in his room to poo. He knew that he should be using the toilet at this time, so he would carefully select a book or flat toy to use. If he knew enough to poo directly ONTO something....couldn't he poo directly INTO something? Namely the toilet???
Thanks for the funny way to remember the saddest (read: disgusting) days of motherhood.

Karen said...

That is TOO funny!
I don't have poop stories like this. My gross stories were all of the puke variety.

Mama Zen said...

Uh-huh! The "rub poopy butt on carpet" move was a personal pet peeve of mine!

Erin said...

I feel your pain! Eli went through a phase like that! YUCK!!! Good luck getting him to read and follow the advice in the memo :)

myminivanisfasterthanyours said...

This cracks me up because I'm in the process of writing a blog letter, too. Although yours is way funnier. Poop is ALWAYS funny!! (Actually, the cell phone in unstable waters...VERY funny!)

stefanierj said...

OH NOOOOOOO! I am sorry to laugh, but duuuuuude.

Let's hope his, ah, "reply" to this memo will go straight into the porcelian "inbox" where it belongs.

Feener said...

OH MY GOD

I am on day 5 of training and this post is making me feel much better about our situation. good luck

mamacita chilena said...

ok, I don't have kids, and I'm sure my time will come. But I'm going to be honest with you and say that my reaction to this post was EWWWWWWWWWWWW, EWWWWWWWWWWw, and more EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Gustogirl said...

This reminds me of a story that my mom tells about my brother(won't mention which one). When he was younger he would whip out his you know and try to spray us with you know what. In an attempt to teach him respect for us and for himself, my mom said to him firmly,"That is not a weapon, it is a gift from god!" Every time I hear or retell this story I just have to laugh. Ahh little boys!

Candygirlflies said...

Oh, my God, you just made me feel a WHOLE lot better about my day...

Poor you, but I'm sorry, I have to laugh!!

Laugh, and then remember the terrible day that my eldest daughter (then 2) removed her diaper in her crib at naptime and used her poop as "fingerpaint" for the walls, the crib bars, the sheets... Well, you can IMAGINE the rest...

Wish I was there to pass the lysol wipes...

Slackermommy said...

Feeling for you girl! I had a friend whose kid pooped in the air register. It took them days to figure out where the smell came from.

LikeAstaR said...

that is too funny! It must have been a busy weekend and week for both of us... Missed your postings!

Absolutely Bananas said...

this is BRILLIANT. You must print it out and put it in his baby book!!

Mrs. Smith said...

I feel your pain. I actually resorted to using duct tape (placed on like a belt with the ends in the back)to stop the unauthorized diaper removals. I got a few dirty looks from people who thought duct tape had no place in parenting, but seriously, what do they know?

Pinks & Blues Girls said...

EWWW!!
I was just blogging that my middle guy Alexander always takes off his daiper in his crib! Drives me crazy... I dread going to get him after naptime because that's usually poop time too... and believe me, we have had our shares of delights in there! :)
LOL!
Great post!
- Audrey
Pinks & Blues Girls

karla said...

What a great, funny post. Although I am very sorry you have had to endure poop on your furniture. That can't be fun.

Anonymous said...

I love it shauna!! So does your phone still work?! Love ya, Denise

shauna said...

Feener, Hope I haven't scared you too much. I thought the poo mess was a boy then, but according to Mama Zen, it's not...

Mamacita, Your day will come. (*insert evil laugh here...*) :)

Candyfliesgirl, Oh fingerpainting. (Let's hope he will NEVER do that!) And we LOVE lysol wipes!!

SlackerMommy, I guess there's always something to be grateful for--he hasn't yet pooped in the air register. That's a plus!

Mrs. Smith, Thanks for the duct tape idea...

Denise, Miraculously, the phone does still work. He did manage to keep it try enough by holding it on his chest while doing the backfloat (children are NEVER boring!).

Thanks for all the comments, everyone! Poop seems to "inspire" readers... (haha)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh I laughed out loud all through this letter. I didn't have boys, but I can relate, girls can be just as creative, though I understand the fascination with poop doesn't last as long with girls. Thank goodness.

Mary

Shauna Loves Chocolate said...

Oh gosh. Poor Shauna.

suburbancorrespondent said...

Oh, yes, I'm with you, sister! Check out my blog for my latest idea on potty training (and scroll through the archives for my past pathetic attempts).