My Husband, the Shopping Impaired

My husband, shopper extraordinaire, can get a deal on anything. And I’m grateful, really. Because of Rich we have sheets with a higher thread count than our SAT scores, combined. We can dress our kids in Eddie Bauer, head to toe, for less than $10 total. We all have designer emergency packs, complete with dehydrated food and mini-flashlights in our favorite colors. We have three tubs of Christmas lights, two tubs of cleaning products, and 10 tubs of camping supplies (did I mention that we’ve been tent-camping two times in our 8 years of marriage?).

He’s a shopping fiend, genius, mastermind, madman. Unfortunately, when in the blinding rays of a good deal, he can loose all sense of practicality. About two months ago he brought home a king-size bedspread that he bought for less than $20. Great deal, right? It’s white. The man bought a white bedspread when we still have children coming into our room in the middle of the night to vomit all over it. The man bought a white bedspread when we still have children coming into our room in the middle of the night to pee all over it. The man, well, you get the picture. Although I should give our children more credit. It stayed miraculously white until just last week when Zack discovered his Dad’s contraband Cheetos stowed under the bed. Needless to say the white bedspread is now spotted with Zack’s powdery, orange hand-prints.

About the same time Rich bought the white bedspread he also purchased a cordless phone. Now I understand that cordless phones are very practical devices, near necessities in this day and age of multi-tasking. But were I to purchase a cordless phone I would be certain it came with a paging feature. You know how they work. You loose the cordless receiver and you push a button on the base causing the phone to beep until you find it (usually hidden between couch cushions or under the easy chair). Now were it just a matter of couch cushions and easy chairs, we could live without the paging feature. But we live with Zackary William Belknap, resident two-year old, a.k.a. DestructoBoy. Since we have moved into our new house he has put everything from my measuring cups to my maxi pads down the laundry shoot. Never mind what’s been pushed through the rails of our old heating vents. So a paging feature on cordless phone is invaluable. And we have now lost the cordless phone (and yes, I checked the laundry shoot).

In my husband’s defense, he says the bedspread is really a comforter and the whiteness would be preserved by a duvet cover. He says potato, I say white bedspread. And regarding the pageless cordless? He says only that a 2-year should not be able to sneak away with a telephone unnoticed. What about a 40-year man and a bag of Cheetos? I say, it’s genetic.