Spring is here!

You know how I can tell it’s spring? Whatever has been rotting in my van all winter long begins to thaw out and smell. Very bad. And the longer the winter the worst the smell. So I’m sure you can imagine my van is very “ripe” this season.

Unfortunately there’s been more hibernating in my van than a foul odor. The floor is littered with backpacks, winter coats, Happy Meal toys, fruit rollup wrappers, empty DVD cases, and dirty, wadded-up socks, to name a few things I can identify. I won’t ruin your day with descriptions of what I can’t.

We could travel across the states and my children would have a set of clothes, a lap full of toys, and enough stale French fries to make it to Nebraska. Not to mention each time the door would open and close we’d leave something behind, a sorry cross between the Clampetts and Hansel and Gretel.

And I’ll blame it all on my seven-year old son who sits in the backseat alone, eating leftovers from his Superman lunchbox and apparently wadding up his dirty socks and throwing them on the floor. Is he the only culprit? Of course not, but do you think I write this blog to take ALL the blame?

It’s not as if we haven’t tried to clean the van. In fact, to our credit, it’s been clean on several occasions. It’s stayed clean all of two hours, but it has been clean.

Sadly we are not the only ones who have had to tolerate our messy van. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I babysit my friend’s daughters who are expected to clear themselves a seat and endure drives to and from the elementary school. One of the girls has taken to asking her mother everyday if she’ll be traveling in my van because she needs to mentally prepare for the ride.

My friend informed me that my vehicle isn’t the only one that disgusts her daughter. But does that really make me feel any better? Okay, maybe a little.

I find that after I clean my van I become militant mom, ordering kids to leave their little toys and treat bagies at home. But once a fight erupts I’ll allow them to drag anything in there, short of a llama (and even that’s negotiable), to ensure a peaceful drive.

And lest you think the inside of my van is the only thing lacking, let me explain to you what one cold winter did to my bumper. The poor thing cracked and then started dragging on the ground. For an entire year we had the only minivan in Idaho Falls with a bumper held into place with duct tape. You remember that, right? Thankfully I ran over a really big rock (ahem!) and the bumper fell off. My friends and family all agree my van looks much better without it.

So in our family we celebrate spring by fumigating our minivan. And this year we were able to cap the celebration by burying our bumper.

Maybe next spring I can drive the whole thing to the dump and leave it there.

Really. Will they let me do that?

In my defense, this post was written before I cleaned out my minivan. My family is visiting this weekend and I couldn’t stand the thought of my mother feeling obligated to clean it while she was here. And it’s sad, really, how accustomed my children had become with minivan squalor. Since cleaning it out last Friday, every time Kaleb gets in he will pet one of the seats in admiration and say, “Mom, the van is so clean,” almost with the same reverence as “Mom, it’s a miracle.”

Brainless in Idaho

For the record, I am currently not interested in dating (so please, do not email the paper requesting to set me up with your handsome, yet freakishly single cousin/brother/son/friend who so happens to be taller than 5’10 and handy enough to fix my roof and tile my kitchen floor. Oh, and serenade me with his dizzying voice and slack-key guitar. That definitely wouldn’t interest me at all). But still, sometimes a girl can be consumed by a fit of curiosity which causes her to do strange things, in strange places.

A few weeks ago my friend told me about this beautiful bachelor who also happened to be a pediatrician. My friend and her sister raved about Dr. LoveMonkey, admitting they became giddy every time their children ran a fever.

Flash forward to last week. Zack had a rash. It looked suspiciously like ringworm, so I made an appointment with my pediatrician. My pediatrician was out of town so they managed to squeeze us in with, you guessed it, Dr. LoveMonkey.

Lest you suspect otherwise, I totally kept my cool. I was just surprised that the infamous Dr. LoveMonkey actually worked with my pediatrician; to tell you the truth I suspected he was an urban legend and my friend was just messing with me. I was curious, but otherwise unaffected.

Unaffected, that is, until Dr. LoveMonkey walked into the examination room. My friend hadn’t done the man justice. He was handsome alright, and exotic, and warm, and hypnotic in a dizzying sort of slack-key guitar way. For a girl who prides herself with being educated and articulate, I immediately became brainless and bumbling. Had I only become speechless. But no, unfortunately, speech was the last thing to go.

After my awkward description of Zack’s strange rash in which I somehow managed to say I was divorced, Dr. LoveMonkey looked my son over and said the rash was textbook eczema.

“Is that genetic, because I think I have it.”

Yes, I said that. And, no, I didn’t stop talking. I couldn’t stop talking. Words dropped from my mouth in humiliating combinations.

But the nice doctor didn’t bat an eye. “Yes. It’s definitely genetic.” And he showed me the classic areas eczema can found, including the inner forearm.

And I promise I’m not making this up. I wish I were. But after he pointed that out I actually began rolling up my sleeves to show Dr. LoveMonkey my eczema, because apparently in that brainless moment I thought flakey skin just might be the key to this man’s heart. Oh, and I think I said something dazzling like, “I have that…”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I met the most eligible bachelor in Idaho Falls and showed him my eczema. Now I’m no brain surgeon or rocket scientist, but I’m guessing this means I’m not quite ready to date.

Date or interact with the single male species.

5 going on 30...

We’ve spent considerable time teaching our children their phone number and address in case they ever get lost and have to tell the nice policeman where they belong. And just last week my daughter demonstrated acute recall ability when she began handing out said phone number to little boys in her kindergarten class.

How do I know this? One of said boys called two afternoons ago while my daughter was with her grandmother. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Hello?

Little Rico Suave: Hi. Is Leah there? This is Little Rico.

Me: She’s with her grandmother.

LRS: Could she play at my house later?

Me: No.

LRS: I’ll call back later.

Me: 10 years from now would be good.

LRS: What?

When I confronted my daughter she informed me that Little Rico wasn’t a boyfriend. And as any child springing from my loins is wont to do, she turned the conversation into a semantic debate. She explained, “I took the word ‘boy’ and ‘friend’ apart. I told Little Rico that he’s my friend who’s a boy. Not my ‘boyfriend’.” Does she think I fell off the turnip truck? Like that excuse wasn’t around a kazillion years ago when I was in elementary school?

I reminded her that she wouldn’t be talking to boys, distributing her phone number to boys, or going over to play with the Little Rico’s of the world until she was twenty three. Reasonable, right? She pouted.

That night I called Little Rico’s mom and told her that I had not intended for my 5-year old to give her phone number to little boys. The mother agreed, bemoaning this fast-paced generation where kids hook up over their preschool snacks. Apparently she wasn’t so keen on my daughter giving her phone number up so easily. Did she just call my daughter a floozy? No matter. This would all soon be in the past.

The next day I asked Leah if she had informed Little Rico Suave that she is not allowed to give her phone number to boys. She told me she had but complained, “He said he didn’t care what you say. He’s going to call again anyway.” I imagined this five-year old boy defending his love for my daughter passionately, calling outside her window, “LEEEEE-ah” in a very Stella-esque manner.

A warning about this had not been distributed in my parenting materials.

I told my daughter our address wasn’t up for grabs either.

I was honked at today, and I’m still not over it.

Here’s what happened:

This morning I went to drop my kids off at school, determined to remain calm regardless of the chaos that is “get ready for school.” Kaleb and Leah began fighting over who would open the door. Kaleb opened it, Leah closed it and tried reopening it only to be cut off by her brother. And since I couldn’t reach the door myself, this happened one more time before the car behind us honked. I told my children they needed to get out. Now.

Disoriented by the honking, both my dear, dear children seemed to forget how to open the van altogether, so I opened my door, walked over to their side and opened it for them. By this time a string of cars had backed up behind us and the Honker was giving me the exaggerated shoulder shrug. I sent my kids off, finally, and went to get back into my car.

Guess what? It was locked. And all my knocking on the window didn’t rouse Zack from his car seat. I looked back at the Honker apologetically only to be given the I’m-not-going-to-kill-you-now-because-we’re-in-public look . Finally the girl I babysit undid her seatbelt and opened my door to which the woman behind me revved her engine. I was tempted to go back and check for her tread marks.

Really. Why the impatience? Is the car honking, fist shaking and general glaring really necessary? Did she think I was watching TV and eating breakfast in my van, thumbing my nose at her and all the cars waiting behind her? I understand that people are in a hurry, and I’ve had my own hasty frustrations, but can’t we just assume that people are doing the best they can?

Or it is my turn to feel bad for her because, apparently, things upset her fairly easily. That or she was having a bad day, only exacerbated by the hold up. So this is where I take my lesson to the Honker and turn it back on myself. I'm just going to assume that she was doing the best she could, and let it go.

Okay. Now I'm over it.

Artistic Musings, by Zack

Zack is becoming quite the artist. To demonstrate, I thought I'd share some of his recent masterpieces:Not only do you get to see Zack's very phallic self-portrait, but you also get a glimpse at the nasty color of my kitchen counters.

And here's a picture of me and my son holding hands. Notice how ginormous I am in comparison to him--something I am currently trying to remedy.

And here's my favorite. Zack and I riding a unicorn.

"Before" Pictures

In an amazing act of faith, my Weight Watchers buddy and I donned our swimming suits and took “before” pictures of one another in my playroom.

Let me preface this by saying that even when I was thin (size 11 is thin to me) you wouldn’t find me dead in a swimming suit. (Unless, of course, I had drowned in a swimming pool and the handsome lifeguard had to rip off my tank top and cover-up shorts in a valiant attempt to save my life.)

But yes, we decided (and without the help of mind-altering medication) to document just how big we are (and by “we” I mean “me” because really, my friend’s a reed in the wind). And isn’t it amazing how your mind often protects you from the truth, convincing you that you’re not as wide as you really are. Because when you see the picture you realize it appears as if you have swallowed a Frito Lay truck. Whole. Generally speaking, of course.

So now I have blackmail-worthy photos on my camera and I’m afraid to download them to my computer. Because my laptop screen is seventeen inches wide and displays with amazing clarity. You do the math.

It’s startling how quickly one can lose their modesty, and not for the reasons you might assume. Last night we weighed in, once again. I showed up in light-weight knit clothing. I went to the bathroom before I stepped on the scale. I would have gotten naked in front of the nearly 15 other women waiting for their turn if they had let me.

First I’m in an amateur photo shoot in my swimsuit. Next, I’m getting arrested for indecent exposure at the local Weight Watchers. I’m on a new slippery slope here, people.

But even wearing clothing we lost ten pounds total. 10 pounds! (And not to brag, but I am. 6.4 of it was mine. All mine!) That’s the size of a baby. And not a newborn either, but a chunky Gerber baby. It may have had something to do with all those light and airy thoughts we were thinking. To quote my friend: “I am light as a frickin’ feather.” I tell ya, that’s the Law of Attraction in action right there.

And as much as you’ve probably enjoyed hearing all about my big ole self, I swear that this blog will not become a weight loss diary. I also promise never to inflict you with my “before” pictures.

The “after” pictures? I can’t promise anything.

For the record…

The truth is I have no shame. I share far too much about myself and my life on this blog. Often that means I feel the need to reblog and clarify something that may have been misstated in a previous post. I don’t know why I do that. Probably because my perspective needs a little reframing and blogging about it helps me to process my thoughts better. You know, cheaper than therapy.

My last post freaked me out a bit. Maybe because I posted about dating out loud. Your comments, one phone call and my own musings had me emotionally hyperventilating in a corner. So, for the record, I haven’t started dating yet. I have no plans to date anytime soon. I’m still trying to reorient myself following the divorce and a very long winter—so long in fact, those two things have become inseparable in my mind. (Which is why I shake my fists at the heavens each time it snows. And yes, it did snow yesterday.)

I feel like I’ve come out of a coma. It’s odd to consider dating a possibility. And my 20-year old mentality of men doesn’t comply with my current lifestyle. I was one of those women who, despite all my feminist mutterings, would swoon once and ask questions later. I probably spent a good deal of time worrying more about what some guy thought of me than I did worrying about what I thought of me. I have children now. There’s no room for that in my life.

And so when my friend, in that surreal conversation, mentioned she wanted to set me up, it caught me off-guard, and I’ve been shaking in my boots ever since. (And if you didn’t catch it in the comments, that man’s wife is now his ex and she is no longer in critical condition. The unfunny part of that post was that any aspect of divorce and family trauma, including a serious car accident, causes anguish. It was the unexpected nature of my friend’s suggestion, including the surreality of it, that unhinged me and later made me laugh when sharing the story with my sisters. Like you might at a funeral where it’s totally irreverent and unacceptable, and all the more difficult to stop.)

So I’m just going to be for awhile. The sun’s coming out more and more these days, and I’m excited about that. For once I’m going to enjoy the here and now. School will be out in 6 weeks and we’ll have a fresh start at summer, different and apart from the hell that was last summer. There will be swimming lessons, baseball games, fresh-cut grass, long walks, and the smell of barbeques. For now that’s enough to look forward to.

So while the men may line up (stop laughing!), dating will not be on the agenda until I can think about it without feeling dizzy and a little nauseated.

And for your viewing pleasure, I thought I'd share with you the new theme song for my life....

When Friends Try to Set You Up

Warning: If my friend or the man she currently wants to set me up with ever start reading this blog, I will promptly delete this post and any related to it. There. You’ve been warned.

I had been divorced about a month when my friend called.

“Okay,” she said. “I have this great guy I’m dying to set you up with.”

“What?” I asked, because I hadn’t expected this conversation so soon.

“But we have to wait until his wife dies.”

“WHAT?”

“It’s a long story, but they were filing for divorce before she got into this
accident and now she’s in critical condition.”

???

“Shauna?”

“I’m here…”

“He’s great though,” she said.

"How do YOU know single guys?” I asked because she's married, and I had
finally wrapped my brain around the fact that my new friend sees my perfect
match in a married guy with an ailing wife.

“But we don’t have to talk about it until she dies,” she said. “Or their
divorce is final.”

And that, my friends, is how I was reintroduced into the dating arena.

Joining Weight Watchers

I think I realized just how frumpy I’d become when my daughter informed me that the neighbor girl had said I was a “little fat.” My lovely daughter defended my honor and told me that she had said, in no uncertain terms, that her mommy is NOT fat. Bless her heart. I was flattered that the neighbor girl just said a little.

But I’m doing my best to defrump myself. My hair’s been coifed and colored for two weeks now. And while I’ve taken that first big step towards overcoming my Salonaphobia I have yet to tackle that aversion to healthy food. The one that’s made me a “little fat.” And a lot frumpy.

So last night, after one Last Supper at Wendy’s, I joined Weight Watchers.

Shortly after 7:30pm on Thursday night I was weighed in. I was assigned a healthy weight range. I was told about points. I was feeling thin already.

When joining any weight-loss plan one should journey with a friend, preferably the one who’s always told you that you’re not fat at all. I brought mine with me last night. And, happenstance, she weighed in at just .4 pounds more than me. She also happens to be 3 inches taller, but who’s counting, right? The best thing was she had the enthusiasm of someone twice her size. Throughout the entire meeting she acted like a Baptist at a Sunday revival. Only instead of “amen” or “hallelujah” she said “right on,” threatening a very weak hold on my composure.

But the fun stopped there when the facilitator, in attempts to demonstrate just how the point system works, asked me to share with the group what I had eaten for breakfast. Of course that’s what I had been dreading all day long on this, my last day fraternizing with Trans fats and fast food: the food confession.

“Uhm… A Sonic breakfast burrito…”

“A burrito?” She began thumbing through her book.

“Bacon, egg, and cheese,” I added. “With tater tots.”

Still thumbing.

“And a large diet coke with lemon.”

The dear facilitator skipped me and asked the lady to my left instead.

Okay, so maybe I got off on the wrong foot. But I am off. Off and running away from Frumpyville.

And as I was told last night, they’ll be seeing less of me next week (as long as I start seeing less of Sonic. And Wendy’s. And…).

In Which I Cut the Cable

About three weeks ago I cut the cable. To our television, that is. I wish I could say it was for noble reasons: to end to the promotion of unhealthy social norms, the hijacking of valuable freelance time, and my three-year old’s uncanny ability to recognize the trademarks and ad slogans for all preschool toys. But simply put, it was an unnecessary indulgence. Okay, okay. More simply put, I could no longer afford it.

I expected long and excruciating tantrums after which I would have to explain how important it is to entertain oneself rather than sit mindlessly in front of a television set. I’m proud to say I haven’t thrown one of those tantrums yet this week. So I’m getting better.

My kids, on the other hand, are taking it well. Thankfully, my decision to cut the cable came simultaneously with the first sign of spring. (Now tell me you don’t believe in God.)

So I am the one experiencing withdrawals.

I realized just how bad my—ahem—problem was when visiting my parents over spring break, or as I like to call it, Spring Cable Binge. I watched things I wouldn’t even watch when paying for my own cable. Really, who wants to see an old rock star try to find his true love among scantily-clad women with a foul vocabulary? Last week, apparently I did (but only when “High School Reunion” was on commercial break).

But when not on Spring Cable Binge I watched much more reputable programs like Project Runway and Top Chef. In fact, I waited for the finale of Project Runway to air before I made that fateful call to discontinue our cable service. Someone asked, “Why didn’t you just watch the Season Premier of Top Chef after that? One episode isn’t going to hurt you.” I replied (trying to hide the hand tremors and initial signs of hyperventilation), “Oh, who cares about Top Chef anyway…”

So I’ve cut that umbilical cord to the mother of pop culture and I’m fairing well. There really are a lot of cableless perks, including but not limited to the following: the realization that 24 hours in one day is really quite a lot; my children are no longer aware which toys are currently being distributed with Happy Meals; and most importantly, I no longer waste time looking for the remote.

Come on. Admit it.

You’re thinking about cutting your cable now too.

Revisiting the Frump

You may recognize some of this from a previous post. I stole the first two paragraphs for a column on my frumpiness. But it talks about my new haircut so I decided it was fair blogger game.

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve let myself go. I’ve let myself go far into the frump.

At the peak of this slippery slope I was well-intentioned. I had three children in three years; I was surrounded by little people who loved me with or without good makeup and hair; and the only adults I “interacted” with were guests on Oprah and Dr. Phil. But my oldest is now six and I must admit that I’ve slid off the slope to land, belly-up, in the frumpy gully. It’s a sad day, folks. Can’t look away though, can you? It’s like a train wreck. With cellulite.

So as a newly divorced woman who’s had people threaten to set me up on dates (more on THAT later), I’ve had to take a good, hard look at myself and admit that this girl’s come a long way from her highlighted hair and skinny jeans.

Last week, while home visiting my family for spring break I decided to do something about it and get my hair done (baby steps, people). My mom scheduled an appointment for me at her salon and then warned me, as I stepped out the door, that my stylist was a man.

Now, I’m a sophisticated woman—albeit a frumpy one, and although I’ve never had a man cut and color my hair, I’m progressive, open-minded, and very cosmo when I need to be. So as I drove to the salon I mentally prepared myself to have my hair done by someone like Robin Williams’ brother in “Mrs. Doubtfire.”

My stylist was very much NOT like Robin Williams’ brother in “Mrs. Doubtfire.” My stylist was more like Keanu Reeves in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.” Young, good looking, and the very antithesis of frumpy. Dude.

Visions of having an upbeat conversation punctuated with “that’s right, girlfriend,” suddenly disappeared. They were replaced with 115 excruciating minutes of my stylist anticipating his upcoming getaway to the Oregon Coast where there would apparently be much drinking and crabbing. Actually about 7 minutes were filled with talking, 108 were filled with awkward silence. The little Paris Hilton dog sitting on the neighboring patron’s lap was having more fun than I was.

But it wasn’t completely Dude’s fault. While I can be a fairly chatty person under normal circumstances, I clam up every time I sit in a stylist’s chair. Or maybe it’s the mirror. Having to watch myself talk is very disconcerting and I never have one good thing to say. “Crabbing, huh?” I got nothin’.

But finally, miraculously, my hair appointment ended and to celebrate I gave my stylist a generous tip that left us both speechless. Again.

And while I really do like my hair, I’m still questioning whether or not it was worth it . Which leaves me to wonder if my frumpiness is the result of personal neglect or some odd salon phobia. I am a Salonaphobe. That and I have this strange aversion to healthy food.

See? I’m not frumpy.

I’m just a very sick woman in need of therapy.

No, I'm Not Dead

Sheesh, one entire month is even a record for me. But it’s been a month full of freelance, two roadtrips (one with, one without children), a sickness (recycled), a post-winter snowstorm in which I cursed the heavens and was cursed in return, a dead laptop (see?), a new and improved laptop, the termination of cable, the panic attack following the termination of cable, a revived Diet Coke addiction, and Spring Break (in which my children were reunited for much fighting and chaos—it’s amazing how many hours are in a school day).

Thanks so much to everyone who posted, emailed, or called wondering if I were 1) dead or 2) a recent winner of the lottery (thanks, Karen!). I’m neither. But for awhile I was too depressed or distracted to blog; I’m still uncertain which it was.

But here I am, enjoying a nice break with the kids at my parents’, eating fine food (thanks, mom), getting my taxes done (thanks, dad) and bingeing on cable (dare I say, “High School Reunion” and “Rock of Love 2”?). The twins are doing fabulously and my baby brother’s engaged. I’ve also had my hair cut and colored and spent some quality time scrapbooking with Kristi O (Kristi, you’re a hoot! It was great to meet a bloggy friend in person, along with her beautiful daughter and fun friends).

So I’m hoping that this post helps me kick the blawgs I’ve been feeling lately. Anyone else ever get them?

A Rose by Any Other Name Still Smells Better Than Cat Puke

Is it just me or do all moms test far too many things with their noses throughout the course of the day? Just yesterday I sniffed at the milk to see if it had turned, checked some bed sheets to see if I could smell pee, followed a nasty trail to the basement where our cat had gotten sick, sniffed through a pile of clothes to see if they were dirty, and tracked down my son’s moldy snow boots. (Picture me, the ginormous nose with a Sherlock Holmes cap on top…)

Was it pregnancy that heightened my sense of smell? I can root out the one poopy child in a room of twenty. I can find that one (okay, maybe two...all right...three!) rotten Tupperware containers at the back of my frig. I can walk into a room and within seconds drop to my knees in search of an accosting odor. (This superpower only seems to have two loopholes: one, all raw meat smells bad to me, and two, I cannot find whatever has crawled into the back of my minivan to die, regardless of two excavations and countless Lysol interventions).

I just wonder why I continue to bring suspicious item after suspicious item under my nose to smell it? If it’s suspicious in the first place, shouldn’t I keep it away from my face? If the underpants MAY smell like pee, isn’t it worth the extra detergent to forgo the sniff test?

You know, I learned this from my mother. But at least I didn’t acquire my father’s talent. The Taster. I know, that sounds much more appealing than The Sniffer, but imagine if you will the following conversation from my youth:

Mom: [smelling the milk] Ralph, will you taste this? It smells bad.
Dad: [Drinking the milk.] Yep. It’s bad.

That’s my dad. Keeping the rest of us safe from the sour milk of the world. Me? I’m just exercising the soiled sheets and cat puke from my house.

It’s a tough job. But somebody’s gotta smell it (hahahaha. Get it? I crack myself up sometimes…)

I Heart Like-a-Star

Some people are on the ball, I tell ya. But boy am I glad Like-a-Star is one of them because she just made my day.

I signed up for GustoGirl's Easter swap and got my gift today. And look at what Rachel, aka Like-a-Star, sent me:

Included:

• An adorable apron
• A calendar
• Easter candy
• Egg-shaped sidewalk chalk (Leah is going to be estatic!)
• A "spring" decoration
• An egg-decorating stamp kit

I know! Not only is Rachel punctual, but she totally went over the 5-item limit. I heart you Like-a-Star. Now I'm totally excited to get my Easter Swap package in the mail today. (Thanks, GustoGirl for coordinating the whole thing). Isn't the blogosphere fabulous?!

I Heart Aidan Shaw

First, a confession. I watch Sex in the City. Okay. So that's not the whole of it. I am a Sex in the City fan. I know. That’s a shocker considering I’m a straight-laced Mormon girl who is small-town celibate and probably will be for years to come (ouch!). But I watch the reruns (edited, of course) on TBS and feel like Carrie Bradshaw is my best friend. Go ahead—roll your eyes. But can you blame me? I have no social life (no offense, guys. My virtual social life is booming but my real social life is on the skids).

And I love Aidan Shaw. LOVE. HIM. Would marry him if he were real. And liked me. Enough to propose.

For those of you who are unfamiliar—Carrie, amidst all her Mr. Big angst, dates Aidan Shaw twice. And breaks his heart twice. Each time she does I cry out (as if in slow motion), “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO.” And then, “Come to mama, Aidan …” (Leave it to me to crush on a fictional character…)

Tonight, after watching yet another episode where Aidan swoons over Carrie, I begin to Google and my visions of Aidan become somewhat cloudy.

I submit to you, exhibit A. John Corbett as Aidan Shaw.

Sexy, no? Not only is the man good looking, but he’s a carpenter with his own furniture store. He’s also compassionate and ready to commit. (Carrie Bradshaw, what’s wrong with you?).

But alas, the fantasy had to end sometime. I submit to you, exhibit B. John Corbett as country singer John Corbett (notice the sideburns).


Not too bad, I guess. It’s a little reminiscent of his initial Sex in the City debut. That and My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but I can handle it.

But then I had to stumble on exhibit C. John Corbett as John Corbett looking like Johnny Cash.


I have nothing against Johnny Cash, but Aidan? Where did you go?

Curse you, Google!

Sunday Musings, Hosted by Leah Belknap

Those of you who read Up in the Night regularly (and I thank you for the volunteer effort) know that my daughter has some of her best moments in church. In fact, I like to call them her Sunday Musings.

This past Sunday was no different. Assigned to give a talk in sacrament meeting, I arrived about 20 minutes early, my rowdy crew in tow, so I could farm my children out to sit with different families before church started. We could hear the choir practicing in the chapel as I hung up Zack’s coat and the kids loitered in the foyer. At the precise moment the choir ended their song, Leah yelled at Kaleb, “I’m going to kick you in the penis!” The elderly woman walking past seemed to clutch her heart and stagger a bit. Two older boys stood by stupefied, waiting to see what I would do.

I whisked my children into the hallway where I told Leah that “penis” was not a very reverent word; I also told Kaleb that whatever he had done to provoke the threat couldn’t have been much better.

Sadly, this isn’t the first time I’ve questioned our decision to teach our children the anatomically correct words for their privates.

“I’m going to kick you in the weenie” would've been better.

Big Boy Pants

Some of you may recall that I’ve tried training him 5 times already; one of the “sessions” I detail here. Some of you may recall my complaints of failure; one of which I detail here. So it seems appropriate that I publicly announce that my youngest offspring, Zackary William Belknap, has officially been potty-trained, and it took place in one day.

Please, people, hold your applause. The kid is four months shy of his fourth birthday and most potty-training over-achievers are diaperless by two. This kid was determined to do this on his own schedule, taking control of this one thing, regardless of all surrounding him that remained out of control.

You know what? I take that back. Stand up! Give the kid a hearty round!

And then, one day (Friday, February 22nd to be exact), he announced, “I want to wear underpants.”

What? I shook my head a bit.

For a couple months now I had been asking him if he wanted to wear underpants. Daily. This day I had forgotten. Wow. “You want to wear underpants?” I asked, just to be sure I had understood.

“Yes,” he said. “Lightening McQueen underpants.”

Comin’ right up!

And he hasn’t had one single pee-pee accident since (poo remains a mystery, the Poo-Poo Puzzle, as I like to call it).

He’s now obsessed with everything potty related. He announces to complete strangers:

“I’m wearing Happy Feet underpants.”

And to my friend the other day, “I went poop on daddy’s floor.”

And in a crowded grocery aisle (using his outdoor voice), “I HAVE TO GO PEE!” As if inviting people to follow us to the restroom and watch this grand achievement.

Yes, the boy can be trained.

Opps. I amend that. The boy can train himself.

Bravo, my big boy. Bravo!

An Introspective Meme

The Prairie Preacher has tagged me with this interesting meme. My Own Woman created it and these are her instructions:

1. List ONE desire that you have if you could live in a perfect world.

2. Then send a link to ONE person who will then copy your desire and add ONE desire of his own that he/she would want in his/her perfect world.

3. He/She will then link ONE person who will add his/her perfect world item.....and on and on. Make sure you leave the name of the person you linked to everyone can see who you linked and what the perfect world will contain."

Because this meme hasn’t gone too far yet, I thought I’d include all participants’ descriptions of their perfect world.

"In My Own Woman's perfect world people of all sexes, creeds, race, and sexual orientation would live in perfect harmony with each other. Hate crimes against such people would be a note in a history book so as not to be repeated. "

We love Shawn, the Prairie Preacher, and here’s what he added:

“In The Prairie Preacher's perfect world, I would definitely and absolutely affirm what My Own Woman has offered ... but I would add as my one desire that instead of easily speaking words like respect, care, faith, love and so on, EVERYONE would live out those words through their actions ... if we claim to be a person of faith, our lives will reflect that faith in ALL things ... or if we join a service club with a code of ethics or a value statement we don't just speak the words and ignore them, but we LIVE them with every action, and every breathe ... My desire in a perfect world would be to see ALL PEOPLE live the words they speak and no longer be so hypocritical."

Those really are perfect. And I would add:

In Up in the Night’s perfect world all people would look out for one another, performing small and large acts of service in efforts to make one another’s loads just a little lighter.

Now I tag Carrie at Fully-Caffeinated to discover what her perfect world entails.

******

By the way, I wanted to promote Gusogirls' Easter Swap! Sounds like it's going to be lots of fun, so join in!

Why I Suck at Love and Logic

For eight weeks now I’ve been taking this class based on the fairly popular series of books on Parenting with Love and Logic. Now I’ve gotta say, I like me some love and logic. Everything I’ve heard and read resonates with me and is thus far the best parenting approach I’ve encountered. Unfortunately, I suck at it.

Now you’re going to have to contact Professor Dewey about the particulars, but my limited understanding of love and logic goes something like this: enable your kids to be accountable for their choices and love them through each and every one (of course that’s the bare bones crib-notes version, but heh, I suck at it, remember?).

So tonight was my last class. Sadly, if today had been finals I would have failed (Sorry, Professor Dewey). And here’s why:

I asked my kids to do their chores. When Kaleb realized one of his chores was to clean his room, he wigged out. Now Kaleb, like his mother, is quick to wig. So I acknowledge that it’s probably a genetic weakness, but still. The room was a disaster and today was the day. Clean your stinkin’ room! But of course, THAT’S not love and logic. So I empathized (a crucial step) as he escalated and finally I sent him to his room. Professor Dewey calls that recovery. I call it step-away-from-the-angry-mama. He wigged squared—throwing things at his door, yelling his distain for me, and, I discovered later, drawing on a chair.

Finally I go upstairs and say what I believe I have been taught in class. “Don’t worry, Kaleb. I’ll take care of it.” (A phrase that I’m apparently conditioning my kids to recognize as meaning—“Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.”) Now if I had stopped there, Professor Dewey later informed me, I would have been spot on. But me, stop? Come on now! These lips are made for flappin’, and that’s just what they’ll do. I continued and said, “I’ll clean your room.” Even without love and logic my kids know what that means: Mama’s going to throw half your room away.

Here’s where I must interject and explain, with my limited understanding, consequences are very important in love and logic. But delaying them is even more important. While throwing away two Christmases worth of WalMart fodder is a stellar consequence, announcing it like that to my defiant and loving 6-year old is not the best approach. More wigging ensued.

Finally I arrange for his father to come fetch him and his siblings so I can “clean” the rooms in peace (because by this time there has been a mutiny and Leah has decided that cleaning her room is too burdensome a chore for one so faint of spirit). Two bags of donate-ables and one bag of garbage later I’m done. Now I’m not heartless. I haven’t tossed anything cherished or beloved. But I have gotten rid of all those sad, broken misfit toys that no one, I repeat -- no. one. -- has played with in months.

The children return. They go to their rooms. They cock their heads to one side. That’s funny, they think (because I’m their mother and can read their minds). I can tell stuff is gone, but I cannot name one thing that’s missing. Hhmmmm. More head cocking. Finally Kaleb, who has been fingering a bin of odds and ends says, “My teenage mutant ninja turtles are here. Thanks, Mom.”

Now if I had kept my mouth shut this debriefing of our love and logic experiment would have been spot on. But instead I said, “Except for the headless one.”

Oh no you di’n!

Oh, yes I did.

I opened my big ole mouth.

I’ll spare you the gory details. Needless to say much more wailing and wigging ensued with Kaleb begging me to retrieve the headless turtle and Leah petitioning me to catalogue everything they had lost (because she still couldn’t determine one single missing item herself).

Phew. Parenting in the trenches. It’s days like these that leave me with just one thing to say:

At least I got a post out of it…

The Soundtrack of My Life

I have decided there’s something that would make my life easier. And it doesn’t involve the lottery or prescription medication. I need a soundtrack.

Let me explain.

Would a romantic comedy “work” if it didn’t include a musical montage showing the couple falling in love? Can you imagine Rocky running up the steps of the Philadelphia Art Museum without his own personal serenade? And admit it, you’ve always wanted to burst into song and dance complete with your own chorus line reminiscent of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, right?

A soundtrack would rock my world. Literally.

One of my most embarrassing moments involved me singing the Pointer Sisters’ “Jump” into a purple hairbrush. I was fourteen and dancing to the radio, full-blast, in front of our hallway mirror. I didn’t know my father had walked in until I saw his reflection. He was a self-disciplined man. And very kind. He didn’t laugh at me.

As a teenager I knew that music seemed to make everything easier. I’ve become an old fogey who can’t even find a good radio station. That’s why I need a magic soundtrack.

I can just imagine all the tasks in my life that would become more enjoyable if they came with audio. Like these:

I could have chiseled more ice from my roof if Vanilla himself had been performing in my backyard.

Grocery shopping with my three children would go better if accompanied by the Mission Impossible theme.

Trips to my lawyer’s office would have been less intimidating if Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” had been played in the lobby.

I would better endure the sibling rivalry in my home if it triggered Guns N’ Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle.”

And chasing my naked three-year old down the street would be much easier to the theme song from Hawaii Five-O.

I’m feeling a sudden kinship with the iPod generation. I’m also thinking I need to get one for myself (along with a new purple hairbrush).

What's on your soundtrack?