I did the math.
I’ve
lived with Spiderman longer than I have any other man in my adult life. And after nine years with the webbed
superhero, I’ve come to realize he will not be evicted from our home anytime
soon. He’s like the lazy, grown son I’ve never had, lounging around the
basement in his spandex, watching episodes of himself on Netflix, and leaving
his dirty dishes on the futon.
Kaleb
fell for Spiderman at two and a half years old.
By the time he was four, I had to buy him two Spiderman costumes because
he wore out the first one those four weeks before Halloween. And like Elmo and pocket rocks, whatever
Kaleb likes, Zack follows with even more exuberance.
In
the past decade, I have decorated five Spiderman birthday cakes, purchased at
least 6 Spiderman costumes, tripped over roughly 352 Spiderman comics and
contributed to Marvel’s profit margin by purchasing a kazillion Spiderman
action figures and/or playsets.
And
you’d think all this experience would make me the most knowledgeable comic mom
on the planet. I thought so. I mean, I knew that at one time Spiderman was
a member of both the Fantastic Four and the Avengers. I also knew that Stan Lee was the creator of
Spiderman some 50-odd years ago, and I could pick the old man out in a lineup.
All
that comic cred disintegrated the day I donned a batman t-shirt. Thinking I’d impress the Spidey Sense out of
Zack, I thrust out my chest and said, “Cool, right?” Zack shook his head and muttered, “Batman is
a DC comic, mom. And Marvel is way cooler
than DC.”
What
was I thinking?
Luckily,
I met and married a grown man who enjoys grownup things like sushi, stringed
instruments and ABC’s Parks and Rec.
Ah,
who am I kidding? Mr. Charming has lived
with Spiderman (and an assortment of other Marvel superheroes) for longer than
I have. In fact, Zack led the marriage
campaign once he discovered Mike’s comic book collection, complete with boxes
and boxes of Spiderman comics, most of which are currently shoved beneath his
bed.
And,
believe it or not, our call name for restaurants is Marvel. “Like the comic book?” the Cheesecake Factory
hostess asked the last time we went out.
“Oh,” Mike said, innocently, as if the connection for the first time. “Sure.
I guess so.”
So
back to the math. My calculations show
that with a total of 57 Spiderman years among us, we are 85.7% nerdy. And 100% super (Okay. So that was a little cheesy.).
And
so you know, two ideas rule supreme in the Holyoak household:
- With great power comes great responsibility.
- Wash your own spandex.
